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Halloween movies that never made it to theatres

HumourTop Humour

I’m not even sure they made it to DVD

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Illustrations by Cora Fu

Night Class on Elm Street

They say if you die at school you die in real life.

The Texas Chainsaw Shortage

This film didn’t test well with horror-lovers. Frankly, the movie just wasn’t as scary without the chainsaw massacre.

Pluto Attacks!

Driven mad by years of frustration caused by being forced to eat from a bowl on the floor by Goofy while he and the other dogs got to walk and talk and eat normally, the small, animated dog attacks. He brutally murders his handlers and escapes into the night to become a scourge on nearby towns. Because it was an animated film, it was advertised for children — sparking a wave of protests against Disney.       

Van Hell-Swing

The notorious vampire slayer is polyamorous. And he doesn’t slay vampires in the way you might first assume.

Meth Lab in the Woods

Even demons can’t survive a meth lab explosion. A surprisingly short film.

Aliens vs. Sexual Predators

This film isn’t half as intense as the original Alien vs. Predator. I think we all know the Xenomorphs are going to win, so there’s no suspense at all. . . but on second thought, I would pay to see that.

Frank-Einstein

Albert Einstein and Frank Sinatra somehow get merged into one body. Frank-Einstein (played by Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, respectively) refuses to help with the Manhattan Project, and goes off to start a music career — something about doing it “their way.”

The Mommy Returns

Mommy safely returns from work. Literally not a horror movie.

The Room

We all know why this is here.

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society