A group of local college-aged youths are reportedly excited to spend the upcoming weekend at their friend Joe Fresca’s cabin, where there will be drinking, plenty of sexy escapades, and positively no serial killers picking them off one by one.

“The next three days are going to be all about chilling with my best friends and not getting murdered in an elaborate fashion,” Fresca told The Peak. “It’s going to be a blast!”

Fresca’s family cabin, which may or may not have been built on an Indian burial ground, includes such amenities as three bedrooms, a full steam room, a 12-person hot tub, and a dimly-lit cellar from which mysterious noises sometimes emanate.

“Yeah, I’ve heard Joe’s cabin has this really freaky cellar,” said dumb cheerleader Catherine Williams, one of the weekend’s young and attractive attendees. “I’ll probably check it out late at night when everyone’s asleep, just so I can enjoy it all to myself.”

The cabin, which has its own attached tool shed full of sharp things to murder unsuspecting victims with, is located deep in the British Columbia interior and is notorious for having unreliable cellphone reception, meaning the group can relax knowing they won’t be bothered by bosses calling or emergency operators. There are also no neighbours within a 20-mile radius of the cabin, meaning any attempts to run for help will likely end in the sexy teen being murdered in the woods.

Perhaps least excited for the trip is self-described bookworm Rachel Auburn, a level-headed and fast-thinking friend of Fresca’s who is planning to remain sober for the whole weekend, is a former track star, and also has some kind of tragic flaw that audiences will find sympathetic and/or relatable. 

It has been speculated –— but not yet confirmed –— that Auburn will likely have to face her inner demons at some point during the weekend if she’s going to defeat whatever supernatural evil probably won’t be waiting for her and her friends at the cabin.

“I’m sure it’ll be a fun weekend but I can’t shake the feeling like something bad is going to happen,” said Auburn. “As long as everyone steers clear of any mysterious Latin inscriptions and doesn’t try to read it out loud, we should be good!”