New chemotherapy iPad app allows cancer patients to spend their precious remaining days ignoring loved ones

CALIFORNIA — Apple introduced a new application for the iPad this weekend which they believe will help put an end to those struggling with near terminal diseases ever having to interact with their pesky well-wishing friends and family again.

According to Apple, their latest chemotherapy related app, iChemotherapy, not only reminds patients of important treatment dates and tracks blood cell counts, but it also takes up just enough of someone’s time to make human interaction completely unnecessary.

“It really is an amazing technological breakthrough,” explained radiation oncologist, Dr. Sanjay Atwal. “Ten years ago people said that finding a cure for cancer was impossible, and while that still might be true, now we have a cancer app for the iPad. I’m sure people didn’t see that coming either . . . I mean the iPad, isn’t it just like a big iPod?”

While most people agree that the new app, like anything Apple sells, is great and wonderful and totally different than anything that came before it, there are some family members of cancer patients who are less than pleased.

“Every time I go to the hospital to visit my mom, I feel like she isn’t actually listening to me,” complained one woman who is afraid her mother will pass away before they ever truly make a connection. “I’ll be pouring my heart out to her and she’ll just nod and say ‘uh-huh’ because she’s too preoccupied with her iPad.”

The woman says she has repeatedly tried to ask hospital staff to have the device removed but they have refused to interfere.

“She doesn’t even have the chemo app on that thing,” pointed out one nurse at the hospital, “it’s not the iPad’s fault she’s not talking to her daughter, it’s her daughter’s own fault: she’s the one who put her in a home and has been ignoring her for years. Suddenly now that her mom’s on her last legs she wants to connect with her . . . ain’t gonna happen, she’s still only on the second level of Angry Birds.”