VANCOUVER — A continuing decline in the sale of trenchcoats has left industry insiders befuddled. Though once popular among private detectives and all around cool people, now trenchcoat sales have reached an all-time low.
“Trenchcoats have just not been selling,” stated Fred Sandersgaard, CEO of Trenchcoats and Cigarettes R Us, “I quite regret opening a store that sells only trenchcoats and cigarettes. There just does not seem to be a market for chain-smoking private-eyes these days.”
Although its usage for looking cool while smoking was once a necessity for being hired by any detective agency, they were perhaps most known for their versatility.
“They look so cool and are so multi-purposed,” said Turner Trenchcoat, a once successful trenchcoat salesman and a man so convinced of their greatness that he changed his last name to Trenchcoat, “whether you’re solving cases, going to a porno, or just going for a good flash, you can’t leave your house without one!”
Trenchcoats did suffer a decline for a brief period in the 60s, after chain-smoking no longer seemed as cool. But out with the cigarettes, came two new growing trends, public masturbation and flashing.
But now, trenchcoat use is down amongst masturbators and flashers. In a National Perverts Society survey, only 40 per cent of flashers use a trenchcoat while a mere 10 per cent of masturbators continue to use them.
“Things just go out of style . . . it’s like once everyone wore suit and ties, and now everyone wears hoodies and stuff, no more fancy stuff, those pervs are just the same” said Scott Stewartson, an SFU student who was quick to point out that he is “totally not a perv” and became defensive upon questions of his plans for his night.
A flasher who wanted to remain anonymous but were just going to go ahead and tell you, it’s respected member of the community, John Fredrick, stated, “It’s hard to get anything done wearing a trenchcoat. I mean if I wear a trenchcoat it sends a signal that I’m a creep, never mind the fact that it’s late at night and easy to fright anyways. You know, I got to be more subtle.”
Despite giving a reason to the decline in trenchcoats, he refused to elaborate on how “he went about business” as he claimed that he would be giving away “trade secrets.”
Perhaps, that is the problem, the target audience is too much of a secretive bunch. Though some are opposed to change, such as Mr. Trenchcoat, others are more receptive to the possibility of change. A sales rep for Cheap Thrills Inc. was quoted as saying, “If we knew what they want, we’d give it to them . . . Those perverts are just too hard to market for.”
Unfortunately, some are ultimately doomed to failure.
“I haven’t had a sale in months,” Sandersgaard added, “Soon, I’ll have no choice but to fold up shop. Maybe after this is done I’ll go back to selling top hats and monocles, now that’s where the money is.”
