The decision to come out means an entire life of doing so

One of my favourite stories I like to share is my coming out story as a lesbian. It’s amusing to most people, but most of all it’s kind of hilarious while still being personal. It’s a way of expressing myself freely to the person I am interacting with without holding back by introducing who I really am on a personal level.

What is problematic is that even in our present culture, where marriage equality is slowly being achieved, there is still that fear of self-expression and the struggle of acceptance within the individual due to society’s perceptions of what is normal.

Coming out is already a hard process and it is a different experience for everyone who has come out and for those in the process of coming out. Though one might think this seems to be a one-time instance, the fact is that once you identify yourself to be out of the heteronormative binary, you are automatically signed up to  live a life where you will have to come out more than once.

Since we can’t all just wear a sign with our preferred identity labels, it becomes more of an exhaustive task for the need to come out and explain yourself in various occasions. First in the list: Family and friends. They are usually the first people to receive the news flash that you are gay.

I’m sorry to break it to you, dear friend, but the coming out process does not end with just these two groups. Even in simple daily life encounters like spending time in the workplace, going shopping for clothes or the quick trip to the doctor can become an uneasy or scary situation to disclose your orientation.

I once went to see a new doctor for my annual check-up and had to disclose that I am in a same-sex relationship. There was a moment where I almost felt not proud of who I am, which one should never feel! There is always a fear in the back of my mind that if this person does not like me, I may be harmed or get turned away from necessary health services.

Another time is when I went shopping for bow ties and dress shirts in the men’s section of H&M. I suddenly had to explain to the salesperson that I was buying dress shirts “for my brother” as I tried them on.

But the trickiest situation is the workplace. Sometimes it is hard to know if your work environment is safe enough to disclose that information, because your job could be on the line, as well as your personal safety. There is the possibility of getting bullied in the workplace if colleagues and employers find out about your sexual orientation.

In my experience, I tend to separate my career life and my personal life due to these unknown consequences and the fact that I don’t really have to. Being out for three years now, there is still uneasiness when I am out in the public with my partner, even in a queer-friendly city like Vancouver. There is the fear of being judged and harmed, which makes coming out more of a scary experience than feeling true to yourself.

I long for an ideal society where the process of coming out can be embraced as a simple discussion topic just like telling somebody of what your cultural heritage is or where you originally grew up.