By: Alex Masse, Staff Writer
ARIES: You know how they say “March enters like a lion and leaves like a lamb?” No? Good. Forget it. You’re no lamb, you’re a ram. Start acting like it. Go find a Dodge Ram and yell at the owner for having such a big truck in the city.
TAURUS: Listen, I’m not saying you should drop out and practice witchcraft in the nearest bog, but I will say that you’d look really nice draped in moss. And don’t mind Shrek over there, he’s just checking to make sure you’re listening to our Horoscope advice.
GEMINI: I’m seeing an attractive but troubled stranger in your future. Just across the street. On a bus. Oh, the bus is zooming right by. Oh, they’re gone. Sorry, bud. Did I get your hopes up? Maybe next time.
CANCER: You know, I think crying on public transit has done you at least a little bit of good. You’ve got the “attractive if troubled stranger” vibe down. Folks like Gemini are totally looking at you wistfully, imagining your beautifully distressed mind, even if you’re just losing it over a video of a cat being reunited with its mom.
LEO: Have you considered how good you’d look in a scarf? Like, really. They’re a great accessory, they really tie an outfit together, and they can protect your neck. From what, you ask? Well, the cold, obviously. And other, hungrier things. So yeah. Scarves.
VIRGO: Virgo, store your energy. Spring cleaning is just around the corner, and we all know you’re going to tear through your home like Leo through a conversation not about them. Prepare accordingly.
LIBRA: Why do I feel like you’re hyping yourself up for some kind of “main character turns evil” arc? I mean, it’s a really dope aesthetic, but c’mon. We’re all feeling that urge, so don’t hoard it for yourself. We can’t all be the comedic relief in your life.
SCORPIO: Gonna be real, your vibes are super unknowable right now. If that’s what you’re going for, keep on keeping on. And if it isn’t, how do you know? Don’t worry, identity crisis is the new middle part in hair. It’s trendy, we promise.
SAGITTARIUS: Try sitting still for once and just enjoying the moment. Even your loud-ass neighbour mowing the lawn at 8 a.m. and that car alarm that sounds like Pisces when they cry. And even all the texts from— okay, yeah, I see why you live like this. Carry on. Forget everything I said.
CAPRICORN: You’re going to be wrong, but not about anything with major consequences whatsoever. Maybe when the food delivery person tells you to enjoy your meal and you say, “thanks, you too.” This’ll give you time to mull it over until you feel as guilty as someone who hit a squirrel with their car. Typical.
AQUARIUS: Aquariussssss, please come back from your respite in the astral plane. Your body’s getting all gross and wrinkly. You’re gonna look like you were in a bath overnight.
PISCES: So, how’s thrift store withdrawal treating you? I just know your soft artsy soul is weeping, and if you ask me, an overpriced sweater on Etsy might be the way to go. One that’s just pretentious enough.
