ARIES: Don’t be shy . . . start dipping your Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in milk. Don’t let anyone dull your spice except you, sweetie.
TAURUS: Have you ever thought about how terrible the English language is? Do you think it would be worse if the plural of house was hice or the plural of louse was louses?
GEMINI: The stars say you would be really great at, uh, either track and field or stripping. It’s hard to tell, but there are definitely metal poles involved. Get past the hurdles and raise your bar.
CANCER: Whoa! Did you see a ghost, or was it just your reflection during midterms season? Either way, at least you’re not totally alone.
LEO: Your reputation is fading — it’s time for a publicity stunt. Make your Zoom background a photo of Nicolas Cage and make eye contact with every damn person on the other side of that camera.
VIRGO: Nobody in your class hates you. Some of them might even like you. It’s time to change that. Tell everyone about some healthy study habits and your 3.9 GPA. That’ll show them!
LIBRA: Stop expecting yourself to create a great presentation the week it’s due. It’s time to project your voice instead of your insecurities. Prepare yourself: take a deep breath and have a glass of wine from your beloved McDonald’s Shrek cup.
SCORPIO: Looking for inspiration for the paper you have due this week? Cover your eyes and let your third eye guide you. Feel it wrench open. Wait, that might just be your headache from staying up all night?
SAGITTARIUS: If you can’t swipe left on any of Tinder’s wannabe alt TikTok stars, it’s time to delete the app. Your heart says yes, but their four followers and dyed bangs say hell no.
CAPRICORN: Did you know Chuck Lamb made a career out of playing dead? Remember that the next time someone says you come across as too cold for academia. You still have options!
AQUARIUS: Clam down! No, I don’t mean “calm down.” This is your sign to go to the beach and look for shells. You can hold them to your ear later to tune out everyone you don’t want to hear.
PISCES: Be the kind of person your shadow would be proud of and take a nap. That sunlight didn’t travel millions of kilometres just to run errands with you.
