Hello. My name is John Pork, filling in for John Quiñones, and this is the hit unscripted TV series What Would You Do? Today, we are travelling to three wedding receptions across the Lower Mainland to investigate a strange phenomenon: the lack of dougie-ing going on when the DJ plays “Teach Me How to Dougie” by Cali Swag District. Our test? What will wedding-goers say when people are laughed at for performing the song’s corresponding dance moves?
The dancer and the bully are both actors. Everybody else on the dance floor? They’re being observed by our hidden cameras — unaware of our set-up. I will be hiding in the washroom until it’s my time to intervene. Wish me luck.
Let’s get into it.
Our actor can be seen on the dance floor. Oh — the DJ has begun playing “Teach Me How to Dougie.” What a nice transition from the secular pop hit wedding classic, “Mary Did You Know?”! The real question is: will those on the dance floor join in on the dougie?
Ah. Like normal, others are performing a half-squat dance move and clapping their hands. They did it for “Dancing Queen” and now they’re doing the same thing for this iconic song. Our actor has created a vacuum in the middle of the stage. He is the only one doing the dougie.
“You suck,” our bully actor calls out. He emerges from the corner of the dance floor as if the dougie’er were his prey. As I look at our camera feed, I see that one couple has stopped aggressively half-squatting to peer into the situation. “What the ***** are you doing with your hands? You look like a ***** joke!”
“I’m . . . doing the dougie?” our actor responds. We instruct the DJ to scratch the track. The couple is intervening! What will they say?
“Hey, could you put back on the music,” the dude says. “Yeah, we were just getting into the vibes of that song,” says another.
Our actor hurries to think of a response. “He’s bullying me for doing the dougie! How come nobody else is doing it?” he asks.
“Did we ask?” the unsuspecting wedding-goer replies. His eyes begin to peer down at our actor’s knees in a manner as to suggest that he is painfully out of place. “No, did we ask? I don’t think so. But if we did — that fellow is right. You might want to do some more ***** stretches before attempting doing whatever the heck that was again.”
It was my time to shine. I enter the dance floor and do jazz hands in the direction of the couple.
“Hi, I’m John Pork, filling in for John Quiñones, and this is What Would You Do? Not to worry, all of our people here were actors.” The rest of the dance floor have returned to their seats at this point. “Can you tell us what you have against the dougie? And why you didn’t stick up for the dougie-er?”
“Because his behaviour was unacceptable. We don’t do stuff like that at weddings,” the frazzled wedding-goer snaps at me.
“Could you show me what is an acceptable dance move?” I ask.
The two men begin half-squatting together, but this time they crank their necks out as if they were chickens. Before I have a chance to ask the couple further questions, the DJ begins playing the “Chicken Dance.” The dance floor inundates with dancers who begin performing the macarena. I think we’ll leave this phenomenon up to the psychologists, folks. Keep up your half-squatting I guess.
If you would like What Would You Do? to film at your wedding for a payment, please contact johnporkweddingcrashers@wwyd.com
