Day 1:
I had to get out of the library. Everyone there looked so . . . free? Even their textbook page corners didn’t look mangled. I, on the other hand, felt like a melting iced coffee that had begun to separate. The people around me were handling the deadlines and the stress with much more poise. Given my schedule, I didn’t have time for envy, but it still seeped in around the case studies I was desperately trying to memorize.
Day 2:
After my introspective moment in the library yesterday, I was so drained from the self-comparison talk that I took the elevator instead of the stairs. Today I didn’t even pretend to want “to get my steps in” and accepted my fate. It seemed to move slower than usual, but it’s possible I was moving slower than usual. Did I take my fish oil supplements?? All the health queen shit I was doing (like electrolyte packets and blue light glasses) didn’t cancel out my overlying feeling of dread.
Day 3:
Cardigan fully buttoned up and orange pekoe in my thermos, I was ready for a study date with my friend. She showed me her colour-coded notes, and how to do carpal tunnel stretches. Handwriting meticulous study notes isn’t effortless even if it looks that way. Weirdly, it was nice to hear that we had the same anxieties about doing well in school despite only one of us breaking out across the forehead like a highschooler (spoiler, it was me). At least something about me was staying young.
Day 4:
One benefit fall midterms have over spring ones is the societal acceptance of wearing a hat 24/7. Underneath my hand-knitted beanie (yes, I’m trying to knit the stress away), no one knows my hair started greying a few days ago. It’s also a stylish distraction from the pallor that has imbued my normally glowing complexion. Who am I kidding, I never let the sun kiss my face, I just didn’t think it’ll make me look like I’m straight up allergic to it. Maybe that tin of Elizabeth Arden face cream my grandma mailed over last Christmas can help.
Day 5:
After a good week of studying and offering fellow library patrons some of the ancient strawberry candies from my purse, I experienced the full range of human emotion. From weeping uncontrollably over bad grades that hadn’t even happened yet to being too frustrated to work up the tears, I finally broke through these extremes with an epiphany. The way things are is not the way things will always be. Yes, I’m burnt out. No, this feeling isn’t an academic death sentence. I simply have to push through. My aching joints mean running away is out of the question.
Day 6:
I had a break between study sessions to do tai chi with some other silver foxes in the park. I was refreshed but still, I could hardly wait to lie down on my floral print couch.
Midterms stress didn’t take time off my life but it did make me 70 years old.
