By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer
Aries
March 21–April 19
Feeling guilty about only going to two out of 11 weeks of classes? It’s alright; there are just a few more classes to miss — you’re nearly getting there. Good job, babes! You even escaped having to deal with people coughing and sneezing in lecture halls, so yay for you!! Reward yourself by going to the library to study (rant about your life to your friends) and to a café to write your essays (buy an overpriced cup of coffee). Also, happy birthday y’all. We are publishing this horoscope during your sign. Send an email to thepeakhoroscopes1234@gmail.com for a free palm reading session.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Can’t decide between studying for mid-mid-terms (quarter terms(?); semi-terms(?)) and going to the gym? Well, there’s a way you can do both — go to the SFU gym! Sorry, I didn’t mean to find solutions to your excuses. I’ll make you go back to your little dilemmatic bubble while your lecturer dumps important information about your final essay in less than three minutes.
Gemini
May 21–June 21
Hold your Rate My Professors ratings — your professor might still have a surprise pizza party at the end of the semester before giving you the most gut-wrenching, tear-shredding 20-page final exam. But all hope is not lost; Gemini is represented by twins, and that contains the word “win.” That probably counts for something, right? Right???
Cancer
June 22–July 22
I see you booking tickets for your summer beach trip in the lecture hall. Please, please, please focus on your lecture before you have to divert your vacation funds to retaking the course. Oh, is that your Canvas notification for your last quiz? Umm, Cancún? More like Can’tcún.
Leo
July 23–August 22
You can’t wait to get out of that one political science class with tutorial-mates who keep arguing that making Canada the “51st state” is inevitable, much to the disdain of your professor, TA, ears, eyes, and sanity. I know they aren’t even from the political science department, but hang on! Just three more weeks of class . . . and four more years of Trump (unless he finds some way to stay in power), my friend.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
As some of her most adoring fans, you are wondering what happened to Onijah Robinson. You can’t eat, sleep, or function well unless you know that wonderful diplomat is safe and sound. Never mind the exams, you can’t even write your assignments!! Psst . . . last I heard, she got hired by Trump — don’t tell anyone else, OK?
Libra
September 23–October 22
Finals are coming. You have plans to study late into the night. Scented candle, check; energy drinks, check; midnight snacks, check; barbershop ASMR Tikoks, check. Wait, barbershop ASMR TikToks? Don’t they make you fall aslee . . .
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
You have plans to overload your academic career by taking a minor, another major, and another minor — all to please the gods of Canadian employment. If you succeed in all your course work, you can pull off a joint honours degree and get an internship at Deloitte. Enough LinkedIn scrolling for today, Scorpio. It’s time to go back to studying for BUS 202 finals. Also, no matter how much you want a summer job, please don’t follow up on the strange, spontaneous job ad from your lecture. 9 out of 10 chances, it’s a pyramid scheme.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
You versus MyExperience, who would win? Who cares about finals when you have a mountain of cover letters to write and interviews to practice? During the summer, you will be working for some capitalist machine while your friends study their brains off, right? Right? To my ambitious Sagittarius, what would you choose between a research paper and a chance to win thousands of dollars and get connections and experience making money? Wait, I’m confused. Am I talking about a co-op or a casino? Oh well, they both involve gambling.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
You forgot to enroll, thinking no one will take courses in the summer. Cue the main theme from Super Smash Bros: Brawl. There’s no mercy in the enrollment arena, my innocent Capricorn buddy. As you struggle to enroll, you find yourself in the 23rd position on the waitlist. So long, required course, until next summer when you are offered again. Hopefully, SFU won’t lay off the entirety of your department during the year!!
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Being an Aquarius, you always long for water, which leads you to question once again whether you will graduate before SFU finishes renovating their swimming pool. The short answer, no. Now failing that one course to extend your graduation doesn’t seem like a bad idea, does it? Ask your academic advisor for a graduation application refund in the hopes that SFU will finish its renovations by the next term, or the next, or the next.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Editor’s note: The writer of this piece is a Pisces.
You are going to get the summer co-op job you’ve always wanted. Your supervisors will be kind-hearted people and the pay will be good. You deserve all the best. You will do well in all your finals and assignments — straight A’s only! Also the thesis you are writing will be completed on time. Keep refreshing your Outlook emails, and LinkedIn chats — you never know when you will be granted a surprise internship just because you Pisces deserve it.
