By: Izzy Cheung, Arts & Culture Editor
Snee: Welcome back to another installment of Saturday Fight Night! My name is Snee, and tonight, I’ll be one of your co-hosts for this magnificent mid-summer matchup.
Zee: And I’m Zee, the other half of the broadcast. Boy, do we have a doozy for you all tonight! This square-off has long been in the making, dating back to the first time these two entities crossed paths.
Snee: That’s right, Zee! Under the bright spotlights of our stage, directly inside that boxing ring, these two are about to settle a beef that even Alberta can’t produce. Now, let’s meet our competitors!
Zee: Coming out of the right side, donning a snot green silk robe, we’ve got the challenger themselves — Ah Chooooooooooo!
Snee: Ah Choo comes into this fight with a bone to pick. They issued the challenge after countless years of pestering. It started with tickles in their nostrils and even escalated to scratches in their throat!
Zee: Scratches IN the throat?
Snee: You heard me, Zee! That’s why Ah Choo couldn’t take it anymore — they had to settle things once and for all, before they stuck a spoon down their throat in a fit of itchy anger.
Zee: That’s a tough case, Snee!
Snee: It really is. Now, coming out of the left side, sporting dandelion yellow, we have Seeeeeeasonal Allergies!
Zee: Seasonal Allergies has been a force in the fighting industry for years. Nobody’s beaten them.
Ding ding!
Snee: And the bell has been rung! Here comes Ah Choo with a quick right hook —
Zee: Oh, but Seasonal Allergies dodges it! Ah Choo makes another quick move, trying to sweep out Seasonal Allergies’ feet from underneath them —
Snee: But Seasonal Allergies pummels Ah Choo right in the face! Yow, that looked painful. Those eyes are going to be itchy for a long time.
Zee: Oh, but Ah Choo looks mad now, Snee. They look like they’re seeing red.
Snee: I think those are just the allergies, Zee.
Zee: Doesn’t matter now — here comes Ah Choo with a wild charge! They’re running like a bull!
Snee: But Seasonal Allergies handles that deftly with a blast of boogers! Oh boy, somebody better get the clean-up crew down there.
Zee: Ah Choo is out of control! Look at that sneeze!
Snee: They just sent themselves backwards with the force of that thing!
Zee: Oh, no — Ah Choo is down. The fight is over.
Snee: No, no, it’s not — Seasonal Allergies is advancing on Ah Choo. But, Ah Choo is already down!
Zee: Nothing can stop them once they’ve started, Snee. Not even overpriced medication.
Snee: Well, that’s a whole lot of sneezing and nose-blowing from inside the ring, Zee. I think that means our work here is done.
Zee: How long do you think Ah Choo will be like that for?
Snee: It’s hard to tell, Zee. It could be forever.
Zee: Well, that’s all from Saturday Fight Night, then. I’m your co-host, Zee.
Snee: And I’m your other co-host, Snee. We hope you enjoyed this week’s fight . . . though it wasn’t much of one.
Zee: It never is when Seasonal Allergies is your opponent.
