By: Hana Hoffman, Peak Associate and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
I was at the movies watching The Little Mermaid because, duh, and the fire alarm went off, and we had to evacuate! So obviously, I complain to the manager about making us wait outside for no reason. There’s no way there was a fire; we were all under the sea! Sure, I got a refund, but I’m also considering legal action. What do you think?
Swimmingly,
Siren Song Enthusiast
Dear Siren Song Enthusiast,
I feel sorry for you and all the attendees who sacrificed their time and money to watch The Little Mermaid. But serious events do happen behind the scenes sometimes. From my experience, my landlord’s cat often pulls the fire alarm when hungry. He needs that food to survive! I’ve also seen a student at my old school pull the alarm because the nearest water fountain was out of service. She needed to hydrate herself with the fire showers ASAP to prevent dehydration. So at the end of the day, someone probably needed that fire alarm during your movie. Let’s be grateful that these alarms exist and cherish their ability to call for help even if there’s no fire, because you never know when you might need it.
From the bottom of my flaming heart,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
The sun’s out, and so are all the white people who say, “I’m almost as dark as you now!” after precisely one hour of tanning. I’ve been training all winter, so I’m in peak shape to run away from them, but do you have any other advice?
Sincerely,
Sunburn Red is NOT the new Black
Dear Sunburn Red is NOT the new Black,
I first want to acknowledge your effort in training to become a better runner. Keep it up! That’s something I need to do myself, and it’s not easy. Well, I think the best way to make those slightly tanned/sunburned people realize they’re wrong is to hand them a mirror the next time they say that. Then they can look at themselves and see that they’re only a teeny tiny bit darker or redder than they were originally. No matter how hard they try, their tanning methods will never make them the new Black!
Don’t sweat it,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
I enrolled in classes this summer to get a U-Pass (#LifeHack), and now my professor actually expects me to submit assignments. Bro, can’t you just be a G and pass me? I don’t have time to write essays and discussion posts while zooming through zones one, two, and three in a multi-million dollar skytrain car. How do I tell this man to chill?
Sincerely,
Millennium Line Voyager
Dear Millennium Line Voyager,
My fellow skytrainer, I feel you. Professors don’t understand the significance of owning a U-Pass because they drive their little slow cars on the ground and think that’s the fastest method of transportation. Like . . . have they ever looked up at the sky? Look at this fun, futuristic, intersection-less air travel! Giving your professor his first compass card will change his life. As a result, he will be so amazed and distracted by Translink’s sky limos that he’ll procrastinate on marking assignments and tests. In the end, he’ll just give everyone an automatic pass so that he can spend more time riding the Millenium line like a millionaire.
Warm regards while singing the chorus of #thatPOWER by Justin Bieber and will.i.am,
Peakie
