Here ye, here ye. The Bank of Canada has announced that we should expect to see brand new $20 bills circulating in the next few years featuring none other than King Charles’ face. How lovely a thought that is! In honour of this announcement and how I visibly cringed when I heard the news, I present to you five things that I think actually deserve to be on the $20 bill and in the hands of Canadians immediately.
Barbie and Ken
Barbie has so many jobs. She’s an astronaut. A doctor. A fashion superstar. She slays in every outfit! Charles can’t do any of those things. Who better to be on money if not Barbie and Ken? To top it off, Ken is played by Ryan Gosling in the Barbie movie — a true Canadian king! I say Barbie and Ken should run the world and replace all three corporations that have a monopoly over Canadian everything. While we’re at it, we should just rename the $20 bill to the Kenergy bill. We all need a little more Kenergy in our lives — so why not give some to the $20 bill?!
Tim Horton’s Sprinkle Donut
Tim’s has some delicious treats, but there’s nothing better than biting into a soft, fluffy donut and crunching the sprinkles between your teeth. They’re so sweet and satisfying to eat. They deserve to be on the $20 bill as a display of patriotism. I dream of that sweet crunch, the way that the sprinkles fall half into your mouth and half down your shirt. It’s a god-like experience, if you will. I’m convinced the only good thing to come out of Canada’s history is this goddamn sprinkle donut. Write about this in the history books!!!
Razor Scooters
They’ve done less damage than colonialism and the monarchy ever has. And we know very well that most of the population have had their ankles absolutely fucked up by a razor scooter as a kid. Do I need to say more?
Shirley Temple (the drink, not the girl)
The feeling I get at a restaurant when I remember Shirley Temples exist is euphoric. My mom used to make a bootleg Shirley Temple for my sisters and I as a special treat when we were little, so it’s played a bigger part in my life than Charles (or any government leader, for that matter) ever has. It’s sweet. It’s bubbly. It’s what dreeeeams are made of! It’s only right that the Shirley Temple gets its time to shine on the $20 bill — let it live on in the hands and happy tummies of Canadians forever.
Baby Highland Cows
COME ONNN, DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN? I love scrolling on TikTok and coming across a video of little Highland cows frolicking around and munching on grass. They’re so floofy, and their little bangs cover their eyes in the most adorable way. Highland cows are a gift to this Earth, and baby Highland cows bring me so much joy and childish glee that it would be BLASPHEMOUS not to put them on our money!!! Heck, let them run the corporate world alongside Miss Barbie and Mister Ken. Oh, what I would do for a baby Highland cow . . .
