By: Nercya Kalino, Staff Writer
Dear Peakie,
This question has drawn curtains upon my complexion, colouring my world a bland shade of . . . Blah. I rely on you to tell me the answer, and to free me at last from my haunting, yet, beautiful prison. Yes, I need you to tell me what kind of sharpener you use for #3 pencils!!
Sincerely,
Drawing Blanks
Dear Drawing Blanks,
Thank you for reaching out to me about the bittersweet feeling of your complexion, blah. I simply do not agree that this is your complexion, I think you are more blue than blah. What you are feeling is the constant grey skies of Vancouver and the lack of sunny days. You are wanting to be free from the chill and loneliness. I suggest you go for a walk and read a book — free your mind.
Now, on the topic of the sharpeners, I must confess I know nothing about this. Back in the day, we had the manual ones with the handle that would rotate to sharpen your pencil. As for #3 pencils, you might want to go to Staples and ask them.
But of course, I simply do not require a pencil in this day and age. I have since abandoned the necessity of a pencil. I see no use in erasing my mistakes. I recently adopted the habit of writing these letters with a Tibaldi N60 Fountain pen. That my friend is a taste for the few. So no, I would simply not have an idea as to what sharpener you need for your #3 pencils.
- I use the classic HB2 if I absolutely must. Not that it matters, but now you know.
Sincerely,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Why can’t we have nap time in classes again? I am very sleepy. I am sleepy all the time. I think it is so mean that in this perilous winter, I have to get out of my cozy little bed, out of my cozy little pyjamas, and into “school clothes.” It’s nonsense. I should be able to sleep anywhere, anytime! What do you think? Is there a solution for a person like me?
Sincerely,
Sleepless in SFU
Dear Sleepless in SFU,
I hear you but your problem is that you are justifying how you need to sleep more than you already are. Come summer, will you complain about how there is no cold air to sleep through? Maybe it’s time to WAKE UP.
You have to ask yourself, has there ever been a time for an SFU student to sleep deeply and comfortably without the constant anxiety of assignments and transit hours to get to campus? If you sleep all the time, anywhere, then you might as well be a zombie. Look at you, dragging yourself through the AQ looking for your classroom because you would rather be asleep than look alive! I suggest you take naps in between classes. Do not forget to set an alarm.
P.S. I know all the good spots for a quick nap.
Sincerely,
Peakie
Dear Peakie (if that’s who you really are) . . .
I know your type. You take in the questions that we submit here as a way to survey SFU student life! Yeah, that’s right. This isn’t some innocent advice column existing in the Humour section, it is state surveillance at its most obvious. Tell me I’m wrong! I bet your real name isn’t even Peakie.
Sincerely,
Suspicious Student
Dear Suspicious Student,
Do you not have anything better to do? I mean, the audacity to question my identity and good intentions. If you will excuse me whilst I make my case on this matter. First of all, you did not even use your own real name, “Suspicious,” yet you have the unmitigated gall to call me out! Ha!
You really think I have all the time in the world to survey SFU students? If we are being real, you lot are not that interesting, you know. Maybe your little club days and events get you all riled up with a sense of importance, but I just don’t see it.
I do this out of the kindness of my heart, because that is the type of person I am. Surveillance? Do you even know what that word means? You probably go about your day using Tik Tok and Instagram, the most surveillanced apps on your phone.
Look, if I wanted to monitor and collect information, writing letters during my lunch breaks would not be the way to do it.
Peakie is the name!
Yours truly,
Peakie
