By: Your Friendly Neighbourhood Duck
Another year, another splash. It’s fall semester again, and we’re fully back into the swing of pumpkin spice everything, midterms, and falling in love in October. Everything comes back like clockwork, but upon reflection — we’ve forgotten something. Or should I say someone . . . The SFU Pisser.
Since his disappearance last September, much disdain has been had for he who pees. His silence opened up opportunities for a stream of slanderous speculation on his identity, and inspired newer, shittier bowel movements across campus. Yet, there have been no leaks of his actions since then. There are new students who don’t know his glorious legacy!
The SFU Pisser was a cornerstone of our identity as SFU students for the fall 2025 semester. In carefully selected locations, he pissed, and became an inspiration to us all. In the year since he has gone, it has become evident that Pisser Pan was essential to SFU. The vibrancy of student life has not been the same since. Our rallying force? Missing. Our SFU pride? Vanquished. Flushed down the toilet. The pisser was a figure of warmth and generosity. As a student body, we lack direction. We must be piss-proud. But where do we aim, without the guidance of the SFU Pisser (yes, your homies can indeed help you aim)?
Our beloved pisser stands for more than pee-ce and love. You may have observed the lack of rain for this time of year. It’s November, and there’s barely been constant showers. Since the disappearance of our splash of sunshine, we’ve been left high and dry. There are barely any puddles to be found on the streets nowadays. That’s no mere coincidence. Upon deeper investigation, Vancouver’s characteristic rain was summoned by none other than the SFU Pisser.
Here’s the secret: the piss is a rejuvenating force. Every droplet that hit the ground poured out of his body as strong, sustained, bountiful piss, returned to the Earth, joined the water cycle, and culminated in rain across the Lower Mainland. The twists of fluid and fat globules of liquid feed back into our ecosystem in preparation to invoke the true pissers of this planet — the clouds. But this was not normal rain. No, no, no. This rain was so beautiful that when he peed upon the concrete of the AQ, flowers erected in the liquid’s stead. The SFU Pisser simply knows better than most of us, finding those key spots on campus whose effects are magnified, and that will overflow the atmosphere.
It is unclear how the SFU Pisser gained his powers. Is he a hidden, patron deity of rain, rejuvenation, and fertility? Or maybe, he is a humble servant, whose instincts are so strong that they guide him to the most abundant locations on where to pee in order to awaken Mother Earth. Nature is calling, and he must chase its flow.
As students, we learn by example, especially from those of our golden, long flowing SFU history. Take care when pissing, folks. Stay hydrated. Aim well. No need to hold your pisser pride in — urine good company.
