By: Hannah Kazemi, SFU Student, Future-Seer
Aries
Change is in your future! Consider ordering a bowl instead of a burrito the next time you’re at Chicotle (formerly Chipotle). Or, follow Chicotle’s suit and switch a consonant in your name out with a “C” because a K-pop artist likes you. But don’t just do it on your social media — fully and legally commit. Variety is the spice of life, and yours has been awfully bland lately.
Taurus
To unlock your horoscope for this week, please include the following information in the caption of your next Instagram photo dump: the name of your first pet, your mother’s maiden name, and the last four digits of your credit card (ideally the one with the highest limit).
Gemini
You’ve been manifesting money in your bank account, but now it’s time to start manifesting an actual job. You can’t rely on cosmic-based currency forever, Gemini.
Cancer
Wordle is the only thing holding you together right now. You can get that 2/6 tomorrow — I believe in you.
Leo
You’ve been on yet another “social media cleanse” and now have no idea what is going on. That’s okay, ignorance is the key to bliss babe and you’re doing a great job. Keep it up <3
Virgo
We’re a month into the semester and you’re already two months behind. Get it together quick or another emotional breakdown is set to come your way. Nobody wants that. Literally nobody.
Libra
Unleash your creativity this week. Grab a friend (or a hot stranger from Hinge), some paints, and a bottle of your favourite rosé. It’s time to let your creative side Bob Ross its way to freedom!
Scorpio
The Duolingo bird is coming to haunt you, Scorpio. It knows about that Spanish lesson you never finished and it’s getting angrier. Finish the lesson quickly or emotionally prepare for a demonic owl to appear in every single one of your dreams this week.
Sagittarius
Mercury’s in retrograde (whatever that means), and it’s time to hone your communication skills (whatever that means). I suggest picking a random person in class and throwing your worst jokes out there. What do you have to lose?
Capricorn
You’ve been doing so well recently, Capricorn. It’s almost like you’ve learned what self-care is! Remember how good it feels to have nothing to stress about? Do as Dua Lipa says and “Don’t Start Now!”
Aquarius
I hear a lot of whining about the dirty laundry in your room but not a lot of doing the dirty laundry in your room. It’s time to stop eating so much cheese with that whine and start making a to-do list — before I make the Duolingo bird haunt you.
Pisces
Expect the unexpected, Pisces. Pregame all your conversations this week with petty responses ahead of time. This way you won’t have to replay your conversational regrets in your head while trying to sleep three days later.
