By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor
Picture this: Lana Del Rey, singing Chemtrails Over The Country Club, frantically flying over an audience, and waving her arms like a fairy all at the same time. At first, you think, “Goddamn. What an iconic show.” Her body is see-through, radiant, and emits a green light. You knew Lana was ethereal, but didn’t know she was this perfect.
Then, you squint.
Your eyes think something’s playing tricks on them. Did Lana just — did she . . . glitch?
That, indeed, is not Lana Del Rey. It’s her hologram. And guess what, SFU? It’s officially booked for Fall Kickoff.
Lana’s hologram was most recently used during her 2025 European summer stadium tour. To the shock (and pain to the wallets) of many concertgoers, the Video Games singer took multiple vape and costume breaks throughout the show, leading to the hologram singing at least two songs.
“You know what? Lana Del Rey is literally iconic,” the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) wrote in a statement to The Peak. “With tuition hikes on a perpetual conveyor belt and being forced into students like rotten applesauce to a toddler, we thought we’d give something to help the student body cope. We present Lana Del Rey’s hologram to SFU.”
The latest announcement is most certainly an upgrade from last year’s Fall Kickoff performers. The event sold a total of five tickets, four of which were bought by the then vice-president events. Headliners consisted of an AI DJ beatmaker, drag queen Ru Fall, and a distant relative of Shakira’s ex-boyfriend’s dog. The budget for the event was 99% of the SFSS’ yearly revenue.
“Maybe it’s time to get a new treasurer,” commented an SFSS executive at the time. The same executive approved the $1 billion price tag to have Lana’s hologram perform for a chaotic set. “Fiscal responsibility is of the utmost importance.”
Expectations are definitely higher this year, and the SFSS has the unfathomable task of fixing a $200 billion deficit and improving student experience. According to Lana’s management team, the hologram’s set is expected to sing the following songs (the hologram is apparently sentient, so it all depends on what it’s feeling like):
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- “Say Yes to Heaven” (nightcore version)
- A cover of the first half of the second half of the chorus to “Take Me Home, Country Roads”
- One unreleased song selected from Lana’s dead country album, Lasso.
- “National Anthem” (15-minute spoken word version)
- “Text Book” (sans the performative activism, lip-synced for maximum creativity)
- All of Lana’s songs playing at the exact same time through the same speaker (to ensure there’s no whining about the set list)
The hologram’s announced inclusion in the festival has sparked great controversy on r/simonfraser. “This hologram is a disgrace to live music,” commented u/CouchLover. “I hate this!!!!”
OK, buddy. Let’s get one thing straight: Lana isn’t doing anything wrong by sending her hologram out to perform in lieu of herself.
She’s too powerful to be limited by the physical constraints of her body — why the fuck would she perform when she can project a 4K vision onto our emotional psyche? Why would she perform a song for the 50,000th time in front of a bunch of pathetic SFU students? She’s channeling her best energy into a melodramatic beam of light. She’s one with the hologram. She’s a post-human ray of light in a slip dress.
“The hologram allows me to take one, very long perpetual vape break,” said Lana in a telepathic statement to The Peak. “My lungs scream just as loud as my fans. So buzz off, haters. My hologram will see you at Fall Kickoff.”
Tickets are going on sale Friday at 9:00 a.m. on the SFSS Instagram. Hurry to buy them. They’ll sell out faster than you can say “Grandfather please stand on the shoulders of my father while he’s deep-sea fishing.”