By: Corbett Gildersleve, News Writer
“chitter, growl, growl, snarl, chitter chitter howl, growl, shake, dig dig, sniff, chitter”
Contact: trail of trash leading into the forest
Found a “Sense of Joy” trapped in the water grates running along the convo mall. By the shape and size of it, I suspect it once belonged to a PhD candidate who honestly believed they would be researching what they wanted instead of whatever would give them grant money. If you’re looking to get this back, I’ve left it with the Beedie School of Business office.
Contact: Harsh@reality.org
Looking for my missing research supervisor. I haven’t seen them since last week when I demonstrated how their life’s work, underpinning millions of dollars in research grants, just can’t work in reality. Suspect they might have run away to join a federal political party where reality doesn’t matter. If found, call their department chair and distract them by discussing their favourite pedagogical framework while you wait for a collections agent to arrive with coffee and new NSERC grant applications.
Contact: Dreamcrusher@sfu.ca
Frisky yet repeatedly abandoned space in the south AQ looking for a committed and successful food business to fill me. Past failed relationships include a greasy yet popular burger place, a spicy taco joint, and a forgettable soup and sandwich bistro. Looking for something exotic that will drive me wild with variety and anticipation.
Contact: Girlboss@lonelyvoid.ca
Need responsive, enhanced, and foolproof techniques for writing exams? Look no further. I am selling a training program. It consists of remote support on the day of the exam via slightly used earbuds with mic. Earbuds are bright pink, but rarely noticed by exam invigilators.
Contact: Trustmebro@sfuhoneypot.ca
Looking to sublet my affordable two cupboard sleeping area. Great for a couple, friendly roommates occupying the laundry hamper. No pets, no cooking, and no laundry allowed. $2,000/month, pay in bitcoin.
Contact: Growth-Mindset@landlord.ca
Extrovert seeking to kidnap an introvert to help them “get out of their shell” by dragging them to every social event on and off campus over the next three weeks. Looking for people with a growth mindset and who wish to be mentored.
Contact: Helpme@helpyou.ca
Introvert seeking a herd of other introverts to hide amongst. Extroverts keep dragging me to parties. Please help me! They keep inviting me to go outside and talk with strangers about pointless things. They’re outside my house now, knocking on the door, looking through my windows to see if I’m home. Oh god, they want to take me to a spin class. Send help!
Contact: Cozybook@blanketheaven.com
Looking to join an alternative jazz-metal late-baroque slide whistle band. I can bring my tuba and we can book out the SFSS forum chambers to practice in.
Contact: Fusion@indecisive.com
Looking to sell the latest edition to Math 150/151/152 . . . buy once, use it for 50% of your classes! Going quick . . . oh, they released a new edition just now? Shit. Looking to sell a $150 PC monitor stand.
Contact: Y@mxplusb.com
Found a cute $20 million deficit in the university budget. Some people were complaining that it keeps digging holes everywhere, but those people will be out of a job soon, so oh well. I left with University Advancement for a nice rich donor to pick up and give it a forever home.
Contact: President@sfu.ca