By: Tam Nguyen, Staff Writer
Congratulations, your nightmarish high school experience ends with you getting into SFU! Let’s be honest, this is the best-case scenario given that UBC doesn’t want you, and you’re not cool enough for Toronto and Montreal. As a result, Mom finally loves you, and Dad, as usual, isn’t there.
Now, how will you thrive for the next four years (make it six, actually) of university? Don’t worry, I barely survived my first year and here’s how I did it:
Don’t get distracted by the comments about which professor gives interesting lectures. What you really need to know is which professor WON’T screw you over with their absolutely off-topic exams and high horse attitude when you ask them for help during office hours.
2. Club days
First of all, don’t join the Burnaby Mountain toastmasters club. I invested in a new toaster and came with bread and butter just to find out it’s a club for speechmaking (misleading, much?). If you are in computer science AND a gender minority, join as many support groups as possible; they come in very handy later. If you are, like, cool or whatever, join The Peak!
3. Dorm, sweet dorm
A private dorm room costs $10M per semester and you don’t even have enough space for TikTok dancing to “Diet Pepsi” by Addison Rae. You should look into selling your left kidney right now.
4. Statistical facts about computer science students
The computer science student body consists of 40% San Francisco-Tech-Bro wannabes, 5% Asian they/thems, and 55% apolitical.
5. Cheap groceries
Go to Nesters Market around the corner, grab anything you want, and waltz right out the door. Just don’t pay; it’s not that deep. Nesters Market also has a pharmacy partnered with Studentcare to provide partially-covered antidepressants you will likely need from attending SFU. How convenient, lucky us!
6. Cheap eat
The only place that’s worth a dime to eat around campus is Donair Town. For $10, you get a wrap that fills you up till you can leave this cursed place for some actual decent meals.
7. Snow day
Yeah, that’s not happening at SFU. No excuse, gear up soldier, you’re gonna climb up the mountain cause buses ain’t running.
8. Pray non-religiously before your course registration appointment
You will NOT get into the course you need to graduate, cause it’s the system, baby! Don’t feel too bad, all the hot girls go through this phase.
9. Friendships
If you can’t find a best friend within five minutes of being on campus, don’t be sad yet. Lectures, labs, and clubs sometimes aren’t the greatest places to make friends — simply we are misanthropists, and it has nothing to do with you. It takes time, so keep searching and you will find your people eventually.
10. Dating
Girls flock to me cause I’m funny, so I don’t know how to advise people with an average sense of humor. Style your hair better, I think.
11. Special guests
SFU students and raccoons coexist, so leave them alone when you see them strolling around the AQ.
12. DO NOT enroll in any 8:30-morning class
Doing so is a surefire way to ruin your circadian rhythm. But seriously, only people without a life (i.e. MATH 151 and 152 professors) choose that time to teach about integrals.
13. Student activism
You want something to change at SFU in terms of the university’s investment approach? Maybe less shares of war contractor companies? Send an email to complain@ubc.ca. SFU, Canada’s top university for innovation, is waiting to see what UBC does so they can copy them.
Hope you find these guidelines useful. And yes, I’m roasting both myself and you, but mostly you. Anyways, enjoy your new journey at SFU, and I wish you best of luck (you’ll need it)!
