Home Spoof SFU Student Updates: April 3–9

SFU Student Updates: April 3–9

An exciting e-mail with student-first updates!

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ILLUSTRATION: Andrea Choi / The Peak

By: Natalie Cooke, News Writer

Hi students! 

Looking for something new to watch? Below are some movies and shows that feature SFU and their AMAZING student-first initiatives! Enjoy!

Snow Disaster! Here We Go Again

SFU has heard student concerns regarding the weather conditions on Burnaby campus. Many cars are getting stuck in the parking lots that have not been plowed on a consistent basis. But why do you need a machine to plow the snow when you can use your hands? If you can drive a car, then we are sure you can sweep away a few feet of frozen snow! We do not lend snow shovels to students, because we don’t want to risk the shovels getting stolen. Right now, we need to prioritize our equipment, not the students. Therefore, keep using your hands! Shoveling snow with your hands and developing frostbite is great for character development.

SFU’s Secret Garden

Yes, SFU has a hidden rose garden, but that’s not the secret we’re talking about here. Instead, the secret, thorny “delays” to pivotal decisions in our SFU community are what’s really hidden under the dirt. We’ve heard students wondering: “What is SFU not telling us? There has to be a reason SFU took over two years to provide RAs with contracts, other than twiddling their thumbs all day long.” Since we know you want to learn what’s hidden behind the bushes, other than ignorance, watch now! 

“Central Perk,” more like “Central Pernicious”

Looking to enjoy a coffee alongside some gossip while studying with friends? Visit the local Starbucks right here on campus! As you wait in line to order your $8 coffee, listen out for the screeching sound of trumpets in the background! It adds an extra ambience when everyone in line has to yell their order at the barista. While some students complain about the presence of raging saxophones as they study and mingle, we have chosen not to do anything about this issue. However, for the next two years we will say we are “addressing this matter with our local Starbucks” as we “care about improving the learning spaces for students.” We hope to see change, although it most likely won’t happen, since we are not formally taking action. Central Perk, or pernicious destruction of the central nervous system? 

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