Robot bust-up in west mall

Violent altercation between automated teaching assistants are the norm

People passing through the west mall complex were left stunned as two robots began trading blows, wreaking havoc, and endangering bystanders in a dispute over a charging port. Witnesses report that this brief altercation resulted with one robot swiftly imposing its will upon its adversary. “It pulled [its opponent’s] gearbox right out of its chest all Indiana Jones-style. It was horrible,” said Avery Bennett, SFU student. The Beep learned that the defeated robot was airlifted to a special robot intensive care unit. Meanwhile the perpetrating droid was taken into the robotics department to be factory reset. We approached the department for a comment; however, we did not receive a response by the publication deadline.

These two model 31 robots were part of SFU’s new pilot program to replace teaching assistants (TAs) with automated assistants (AAs). This came as a response to previous models being hacked by the TSSU to demand fair compensation. These new robots were built with heightened anti-strike software and can sbe shut down if they attempt to bargain for better working conditions. However, the program has yielded mixed results; SFU’s administration has praised the simplicity in negotiating employment terms with these unionless robots. Yet, issues have arisen when it comes to their interactions with one another. SFU’s coordinator for the program told The Beep that these robots are reportedly “more territorial than grizzly bears in heat” when it comes to defending their charging ports, and as such conflict has been common. 

SFU security chief Alan Gilmore revealed to The Beep, “We receive a few of these calls a week [ . . . ] since charging ports are quite sparse on the mountain, we’re seeing an increase in this sort of violent behaviour.” Later on, however, Gilmore acknowledged that this particular quarrel had been “one of the nastiest” since the beginning of the program. 

Many students have called for action from the university to address this increase in bionic violence. “How are we meant to be focused on our studies when this sort of stuff is happening on campus? It’s unacceptable,” SFSS president Maria Castillo told The Beep. “When you look at UBC’s measures to ensure their AAs aren’t interacting with each other, you have to wonder if there’s more that SFU could be doing to keep us safe.” 

SFU’s official statement on the matter reads that this altercation is being “blown out of proportion” and that the robots in question “were just blowing off some steam.” 

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