WHISTLER — A Kiwi tourist was in for a nasty surprise when she woke up at one of Whistler’s renowned lodges and found an emu staring right at her. After screaming for 15 minutes, the tourist activated an alarm which resonated throughout the resort municipality. It was then discovered that this was not merely a one emu situation: in fact, it would prove to be an emu-tionally charged night at Whistler.
Ah, the humble emu. Birds native to Australia, these tourists seemed to be enjoying a holiday vacation as they flooded eateries and ski hills with fluffy scarves (for the blustery Canadian cold, of course!) The scenes were incredible as the RCMP’s Emergency Response Team and Canadian Armed Forces were called into action. Some residents had taken to marooning themselves in the middle of Alta, Nita, and Lost lakes, and aptly had to be airlifted to safety.
“Bro! It’s the only way to escape those silly flightless birds,” said a Subaru driving character who was wearing plaid.
A meeting at the town hall revealed that a homesick tourist had in fact managed to sneak in a couple of emu eggs. The eggy culprit was nowhere to be found. Additionally, it seemed that many people, while terrified of the birds, found them rather sweet. Some thought they were a part of a tourism event, and embraced the birds’ presence with glee to the authorities’ chagrin. Other tourists, from Medellín, Colombia watched in terror. They knew how dangerous an invasive species could be given the situation with Pablo’s infamous hippos. They elected not to say anything.
A visit by the Premier and Prime Minister to ascertain the situation ended up a disaster as the birds seemingly got more rattled and began to herd the residents out of Whistler. The victorious emus championed their victory, chasing the downtrodden townspeople up Highway 99 on foot defiantly saying, “Allez! We shall return.”
Unfortunately, the emus unexpectedly did well for themselves and have been granted autonomous territory within BC with provincial and federal representation within both the Commons and Senate. It seems that yet again, the emus have come out on top of a fight with the humans. Legislators have said it will take some getting used to “having these giant birds around,” and translators have reportedly made good progress with emus for the Senators and members of the houses.
