By: Isabella Urbani, Staff Writer
From the people who brought you your name intentionally spelled incorrectly, comes an even more aggravating experience to your local campus Starbucks. If you haven’t picked your major, or better yet, you randomly settled on the same major half of your high school was choosing, Starbucks is here to help your indecisions stick around longer by dictating your beverage choice for life.
Business — Watered Down Iced Coffee
We’d like to make it clear that we didn’t purposely make you the worst cup of iced coffee you’ve ever tasted, although you do pop up behind the counter as soon as we open trying to convince us that you know just how to improve our business model. Sure, if you think drapes will improve our pyramid scheme, then go right ahead. You don’t even like coffee, you just want the notoriety that comes along with being a busy Beedie boy. That’s why you let your coffee sit there all day while you go on about how tired you are and how you practically live on caffeine, when we all know you’ve been a frappuccino drinker since the day you were born.
Communication — Vanilla Oat Latte
You’re the sole reason we run out of oat milk by the hour. You can see a communication student from a mile away. The way they hastily rack their eyes over the menu, even though they’ve literally never, and will never, venture beyond their usual latte. Swapping vanilla for hazelnut? Yeah right, psh, are you FOR REAL? Communication students just want to cozy up next to the fireplace with their hot coffee and their knit sweaters acting as drink sleeves while they read about capitalist realism. I swear there is a joke in there somewhere . . .
Arts —The Fruitiest Refresher
You would think an art student would be the first to hop on some latte art, but you’re wrong. It’s all about the refreshers, rain or shine. Seriously, they even know about refreshers that aren’t written on the menu. It’s like they’re a part of a secret club. One student asked for The Fruit Basket. I thought they were joking right? Like the painting? No. I learned it was a drink. Try for yourself, only if you’re an arts student of course.
Education — Black Coffee
How can a major full of the most charismatic people drink the most unbearable coffee? I know you plan to become teachers one day, but life hasn’t been sucked from your soul yet. Stop subjecting your taste buds to this! No matter how many times you get it, it will NOT get better. “Starting ahead of time,” you joke wryly as you make a sour face swallowing the ink in your cup. But kudos to you for always bringing in your own god awful bedazzled thermos with your name on it. And your metal straw which somehow has that awful 2015 black and white checkered pattern on it.
Science — Chai Tea
Your palette is way too sophisticated for coffee, but your brain? Well, it’s screaming for you to drown yourself in six shots of espresso, pronto. Way to not let those impulsive thoughts win! You head to your little nook in the back and only get up once an hour for some more tea like it’s a reward. Someone probably would have caught you sneaking out of the store in the morning after you spent the night if it weren’t for that pesky business student who swings by each day.
