By: Jacob Mattie, Peak Associate
Second-year SFU student Luke Kee was surprised after being voted the winner of an international award for culinary excellence on July 25.
“Man, I don’t know,” Kee said to The Peak in an exclusive interview. “This whole thing just got way out of hand. I was on Grindr trying to score an easy fuck, and I claimed to be a chef. It was a joke. I was trying to make a pun about “cook” sounding like “cock” — I’ve never learned to cook in my entire life.”
Taking us for a tour of what food critics worldwide are venerating as hallowed ground, Kee pointed out the areas of his kitchen that contributed to his success.
“Like, over here, I’d gotten some milk, but I forgot it on this counter. A few days later, it was midterms season, and I just didn’t have time to put it away. My date came over for the dinner I promised to cook, and I was so nervous that I accidentally knocked the carton over. It spilled all over the place, but there were some chunks in it — they looked alright and weren’t on the ground for over five seconds, so I figured they were good.”
Reaching over, Kee picked up a battered-looking pot, which he described as the source of what critics are calling perfectly al dente spaghetti.
“The chunks went in here with some noodles,” he told us. “I forgot to make sure they were cooked properly, but I think I was able to cover it by bringing out the burgers. Which, if I’m being honest, kind of caught me off guard. I thought burger was a type of meat, but it turns out you have to actually make them.
“My family had given me a steak because they were worried I wasn’t eating properly, so I cut it up with the cheese grater and added in whatever that yellow bit of the egg is called — I fucked up on the cracking and it was all I could salvage after I spilled the rest of the egg on the counter. I put in some of those pepper packets they give you at McDonald’s and put it in the oven. Of course, it wasn’t until my date got here that I realized I hadn’t actually turned the oven on. At that point it was too late to turn back, so I just served them as is.”
Kee’s date, Sal Minella, had this to say: “I wouldn’t have trusted this guy to know which end of the fork to use, but I’ve got to admit, he really showed me that you can’t trust first impressions. He looks like a mess, but he turned out a cacio e pepe like I couldn’t believe, and that steak tartare was unrivaled.
“I asked him if I could keep some of the meal, whereupon I sent it into the competition. The judges were floored, and the meal won first place by a landslide. He asked me later if I’d be willing to help him get some meat in the Avocado. He phrased it kind of weirdly, but he’s clearly a culinary expert and knows what he’s doing — I told him to call me anytime.”
