ARIES: Mercury says it won’t come out of retrograde until you stop eating so much processed sugar. Just one vegetable, Aries. Please.
TAURUS: Your moon and stars don’t seem to be aligned. May we suggest moving one foot to the right and tilting your head at a 37° angle?
GEMINI: The reason you haven’t gotten that promotion yet is because you need a job first.
CANCER: The bad news: branding hasn’t been great ever since the discovery of the disease “cancer.” The good news: there’s a new support group starting up for you and Corona the beer company. Meetings will be held Mondays at 8 p.m. via Zoom (for obvious reasons).
LEO: The nickname hasn’t really been working out. We suggest you start going by Leonard again.
VIRGO: Your lucky numbers are: 4504 5300 8968 3316. Your lucky month is: 02/22. Your lucky three-digit security code is: 836. (But you didn’t hear it from me.)
LIBRA: Uranus is concerned about your recent dietary choices. I’ve been asked to remind you of the fact that you are what you eat, which means you’re currently 15 blueberry Pop-Tarts and a glass of whole milk, so . . .
SCORPIO: Love is in the air. I don’t know who let it out, but could you please go catch it before Leo gets any ideas?
SAGITTARIUS: There have been whispers in the cosmos that you’re getting Gemini’s time slot next year. That’s right: you’ll be third in the Zodiac and first in my heart. This will be huge for your follower count.
CAPRICORN: You need to stop keeping your friends and enemies so close. Seriously. You’re violating like 13 different COVID-19 restrictions.
AQUARIUS: It’s time you get back in touch with the roots of your sign. Go buy an aquarium tank.
PISCES: It’s time you get back in touch with the roots of your sign. Go buy some fish and partner up with Aquarius because they just bought an empty aquarium tank for absolutely no reason at all.
