Top ten things that probably made me gay

By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor

1. “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada

When middle school me heard this Eurotrash 2000s staple for the first time, something awakened. Little did I know that something would grow and manifest into a desire to bump butts to this song at any gay club I could get into several years later. Truthfully, the only thing gayer than this song is bottoming, but I find listening to this song a lot less painful and it requires less crying (depending on the context.) Besides the song itself, the music video really unleashed the gay in me. With singer Natalie Horler’s choppy highlights and scene-stealing choreography in the middle of a library, Cascada solidified the gay mantra: go through some questionable hair choices, but always pull focus. 

2. The men’s underwear section of Wal-Mart 

You might not think Wal-Mart would be the birthplace of many gay awakenings since the energy Wal-Mart radiates is the culmination of a room-temperature Monster energy drink, broken shopping cart wheel, and unkempt handlebar moustache. But picture, if you will, a young, wide-eyed child bored out of their mind, dragged along on yet another shopping trip to Wal-Mart by their parents. After perusing the children’s clothing section, they stumble upon the men’s section, moving through the aisles of outdated graphic tees and horrendous walls of camouflage clothing until they reach the Holy Land of Packages: the men’s underwear section. You thought that child was wide-eyed before? Imagine how wide-eyed they are face-to-face with shredded dudes in Calvin Kleins and Fruit of the Looms, junk perfectly at eye-level and abs so close they can taste them. And thus with the gayness awakened, Wal-Mart’s slogan “Always low prices” manifests into the gay slogan, “Always low morals.” 

3. Playing as Princess Peach in Mario Kart 64

Ah yes, the selection screen of Mario Kart 64. I’ll never forget the days of seeing that roster as a youngin’, moving swiftly past the horrendous moustaches, an ape, some lizards, and a butt plug with eyes, until finally selecting her — the mushroom baddie herself, Princess Peach. Now, playing as Peach as a little boy was definitely met with some teasing, but I’ll never forget how fabulous it felt driving as the princess with her vibrant pink dress, gorgeous blonde hair, and worthy crown atop her head. As a gay, Peach was/is everything: men want her so bad they rescue and/or kidnap her and she’s royalty so you know she’s got money. Not to mention the fact she’s literally Princess Toadstool, so she’s royalty to a bunch of walking butt plugs — princess? No, that’s Queen behaviour.

4. Bananas

My favourite fruit growing up was always the banana; it had the best taste, was easy to acquire, and, of course, it’s shaped like a shlong. OK, it took me a while to discover that last factor was so important, but subconsciously I guess younger me knew from the start putting oblong objects in my mouth was the move. Fun fact: bananas are apparently a mood enhancer. I can guarantee any time a banana-esque object is in my mouth my mood is definitely enhanced. 

5. Angemon from Digimon

For anyone who needs context, Angemon is an Angel Digimon with long blond hair, ripped muscles, six wings, a helmet that covers his eyes, a deep and powerful voice, and is only wearing a loincloth. So you’re telling me as a young boy I was supposed to just enjoy my Saturday morning cartoons featuring a group of rambunctious kids and their digital friends and not fall for the muscular, long-haired, half-naked angel? One of Angemon’s signature attacks is Angel Rod — and boy what I would give to be on the blunt end of that. 

6. My wrists

Admittedly I’m very bad at languages, but there is one I’ve mastered from a young age: no, not English, I’m talking gay sign language. Growing up gay, you learn that being out and proud can often be a scary/dangerous thing, so alerting to gays around you that you are a fellow gay can be tricky. But that’s where the ol’ reliables come in, the subtle yet effective signs that you also like giving it/taking it from behind. That’s right — you know it, you love it, you mock it: the limp wrist. I’ll never forget the day my wrists went limp for the first time and Grindr immediately downloaded on my phone by itself. Since then, these bad boys have been the silent welcome signs at the club or in classes. Hot tip, if you’re at a function and need to look around the room for alliances, just look at the wrists — if that wrist is hanging limper than you were the first time you tried watching porn with a woman in it, you’ve got one. 

7. Gay jeans

For years scientists have been trying to crack the code on what makes gay people gay, even going so far as to assume there is a “gay gene.” What they should have been looking for is not found within the body, rather it’s what goes on the body — not gay genes, but gay jeans. I’ll never forget buying my first pair of super skinny jeans and feeling like my fashion sense had peaked. I thought I was the one. Looking back, my delusion must have been the result of my jeans cutting off circulation to my brain. Plus, I guess it was also hard for me to think straight having my balls constantly cupped like that.

8. My Motorola Razr

You can’t tell me that the drama of ending a phone call and slapping the phone shut didn’t manifest the horrendous, flamboyant bitchiness I exude to this very day. Mom’s late to pick you up from middle school? *SLAP* That one straight friend you really want to be close to because you actually have a crush on but don’t realize it’s a crush yet isn’t picking up the phone? *SLAP* Your cute female friend starts talking about how she likes the guy you don’t know you have a crush on? *SLAP* Motorola Razrs were the bitch slap before the bitch slap was a thing, and I live by that.

9. Any Disney princess movie

I’m sure many little boys watched The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, or any of the classics and realized that by doing heroic deeds they could win the girl. But what I learned from watching these films is that you don’t have to be the hero, you can just do nothing. Why be the one to go through all the effort of fighting a villain or rescuing the princess when you could be rescued instead? Why be a side character whose sole purpose is to appear once or twice when you can be the main character? Along these realizations was also the thought that being rescued by someone who looked like Shang from Mulan was ideal. Trust, I’d love for him to make a man out of me. 

10. That one student teacher

Every gay growing up knows about that one student teacher, the hot one who would reignite your passion for learning when they temporarily took over for the teacher you hated. As a replacement for your stuck-up, boring, usual teacher, that one student teacher was easy on the eyes and easy to fall for. It only took me a few days to realize that my growing efforts in class weren’t just because of my egotistical desire to look smart against my peers, but rather to impress this hot student teacher. Suffice to say, picturing he and I together after I impressed him made more than my brain throb during these classes.