Written by Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

SFUNET has gone through some major transformations lately. (You know, that Wi-Fi network that’s always there, but never really gets used because it’s overshadowed by the far superior SFUNET-SECURE and eduroam.) Before, you had to desperately re-click the network names and refresh browser pages. Now, a fancy new pop-up screen, all pretty and red and starry, begs for your login information! Though, I’m still begging for an actual connection . . . 

Have you risen above this facetious face-lift? This quiz will tell you whether you’ve glowed up MORE or LESS than SFUNET. Let’s see if those wishful New Year’s resolutions are holding up, or if they’ve already fallen through, just like your plans to open a book for once during reading week. 

When someone tries to connect with you, you:

1. Smack them in the face, hoping they shut down emotionally just as much as you have
2. Finish all of their homework, do their laundry, and call their tax consultant for them 
3. Pretend to accept them at first and then cut them off soon after

Pick an on-campus job.

1. What do you mean? I’m already taking eight classes. Isn’t that enough?
2. Underpaid, under-respected, newly unionized research assistant
3. I’m useless, I just know how to rock a Scarlet Letter palette

When you leave campus after class, you:

1. Immediately dissociate with the help of another salty stress meal
2. Do your next week’s homework while running on a treadmill and drinking a green smoothie full of kale, matcha, and Google sheets
3. I haven’t left SFU since 1965

Who do you relate to the most?

1. That preschool bully who got arrested for vehicular manslaughter
2. Paul Rudd
3. Tim Hortons Wi-Fi

Where is your go-to public breakdown spot on campus?

1. Middle of the AQ hallway, in front of a Krispy Kreme fundraiser stand. I love giving back
2. Nowhere. Like any high-functioning adult, I hold my screeching in until I reach the sixth floor library washroom stall
3. Everywhere, I’m broken literally everywhere on campus, forever

Do you still live at home?

1. I live on in the hearts of men 
2. I live for the applause, applause, applause
3. I live to serve, in theory

If you chose mostly A’s . . . you’ve glowed up less than SFUNET!

You glow less than the shiny forehead of a pubescent teen. I can’t believe that a nearly defunct wireless system has improved more than you. Maybe those New Year’s resolutions aren’t so attainable after all . . .

If you chose mostly B’s . . . you’ve glowed up more than SFUNET!

Congrats, you’ve glowed up more than a Wi-Fi network. But let’s be honest, you haven’t actually improved that much. You’re only marginally better than the miniscule glow-up of SFUNET, and that’s not saying much, considering.

If you chose mostly C’s . . . you’ve glowed up just as much as SFUNET!

Woohoo, it’s a match! Twinning with SFUNET isn’t something to be proud of, though. This glow-up is just as meaningless as SFUNET’s fake fresh face. You should have worked harder on your self-improvement instead of watching “Vines that cure my depression” compilation videos.