Thales: Watersports

• First in the western canon, first in the sack. Thales thought water was the only element. Show him how right he is.

Friedrich Nietzsche: Strangling

• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and the meaninglessness of the universe strangles us everyday anyways.

Immanuel Kant: Anal

• After all, humans are always an end and not a means.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: Bugs

• Is that a beetle in your box, or are you just happy to see me?

Michel Foucault: Flogging

• Discipline and Punish your way into his heart. 

Jeremy Bentham: Voyeurism

• He may not be watching you all the time, but you’ll learn to act as though he always is — and he’s probably rubbing one out, too. Call it the Panopti-cum.

Mary Wollstonecraft: Dom/sub

• She loves it when women come out on top.

Socrates: Sensory deprivation

• He knows that he knows nothing, especially what you’re going to do to him.

René Descartes: Wax play

• His shape, texture, size, color, and smell may change, but he’ll always have extension, if you know what I mean.

Albert Camus: CBT (cock and ball torture)

• All he wants to do is be crushed by Sisyphus’ boulder.

Karl Marx: Master/Slave

• The proletariat may be a slave to the bourgeoisie, but Karl is only a slave to you.

Thomas Hobbes: Furries

• We’re all animals in the state of nature, baby. Let’s make it nasty, brutish, and short.

Marquis de Sade: BDSM

• Too easy.