Thales: Watersports
- First in the western canon, first in the sack. Thales thought water was the only element. Show him how right he is.
Friedrich Nietzsche: Strangling
- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and the meaninglessness of the universe strangles us everyday anyways.
Immanuel Kant: Anal
- After all, humans are always an end and not a means.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: Bugs
- Is that a beetle in your box, or are you just happy to see me?
Michel Foucault: Flogging
- Discipline and Punish your way into his heart.
Jeremy Bentham: Voyeurism
- He may not be watching you all the time, but you’ll learn to act as though he always is — and he’s probably rubbing one out, too. Call it the Panopti-cum.
Mary Wollstonecraft: Dom/sub
- She loves it when women come out on top.
Socrates: Sensory deprivation
- He knows that he knows nothing, especially what you’re going to do to him.
René Descartes: Wax play
- His shape, texture, size, color, and smell may change, but he’ll always have extension, if you know what I mean.
Albert Camus: CBT (cock and ball torture)
- All he wants to do is be crushed by Sisyphus’ boulder.
Karl Marx: Master/Slave
- The proletariat may be a slave to the bourgeoisie, but Karl is only a slave to you.
Thomas Hobbes: Furries
- We’re all animals in the state of nature, baby. Let’s make it nasty, brutish, and short.
Marquis de Sade: BDSM
- Too easy.
