TORONTO — Thanks to the overwhelming popularity of the recently instated month of Movember, massive reforms are on the way to ensure that the rest of the calendar keeps up with the current renaissance of growing silly hair styles.
According to a press release from the International Calendar Committee, in order to maintain consistency with the newly replaced ‘November,’ the remaining 11 months of the Gregorian Calendar will have their names changed to reflect other forms of hair growth.
“Everyone seems to get so excited by Movember and we just wanted to bring some of that enthusiasm to our other months,” explained ICC president Bill Franklin in a press conference this week. “Now instead of people having to feel sad about the end of Movember, they can forget about it and immediately start growing their Decemburns.”
Although they are still in the planning stages, the new Gregorian calendar has been rumoured to also include the thrilling new months of Fullbearduary, Junefrow and Soulpatchember.
“I think this will be a great opportunity to get people to identify with some of our less popular months,” Franklin told reporters. “I mean the ‘Movember’ label instantly skyrocketed those 30 days to the top . . . who’s to say the same thing can’t happen to ‘Marchonchops’?”
Although the news of the new calendar has been very well received by the public, eager to have more legitimate reasons for not shaving, the process is moving very slowly due to a number of debates raging at the ICC.
According to sources close to the ICC there have been a number of quarrels between committee members over the naming of the months including a very heated argument over the new name of the twelfth month.
“I’d probably hold off a little on those Decembeards, this calendar is still a long way from completion,” explained committee member, John Samos, before being interrupted by another member insisting that it was “Decembrow . . . hold off on your Decembrow!”
Samos was then overheard screaming at the man about how “no one’s going to want to grow out their brow that close to Christmas” and then arguing with another man about how “Decemburns was too derivative of Marchonchops, not to mention Chinstrapril!”
Members of the ICC have also said that several other months are still being finalized as they have found it very difficult to come up with eleven different hairstyles that kind-of sound like months.
“It seemed easy at first, we came up with Soulpatchtember in a couple minutes, but a lot of them are really tricky,” explained ICC vice-president, Hal Krakow. “I mean, why does every goddamn month start with ‘j’?”
Krakow explained that the original intention was to have every month in the new calendar’s name reflect a different form of facial hair but the idea was deemed “too difficult” after the month of “Goateectober” was a legitimate candidate to replace October.
“I think going away from just facial hair might have been a huge mistake,” Krakow said regretting ever taking a job at the ICC, which he’s not even sure is a real thing anymore, “Now it seems like everything is up for grabs to be changed, recently I’ve been hearing people say we should just eliminate the month of July because no form of hair growth fits nicely with it, isn’t that crazy?”
This lack of respect for the current calendar was not met with resistance by everyone though, although some suspect that the fervent supporters of a lengthen ‘Junefrow’ are receiving kickbacks from hair salons who make a great deal of money from their “perm” sales.
“I’m just saying, what if ‘Junefrow’ was 62 days?” argued ICC president Franklin. “I mean, who knows the difference between June and July anyway? It’s like Nebraska and Iowa, what’s the point of separating them?”
While the ICC is struggling to deal with all their problems, they maintain that the new calendar will be instated eventually and that they haven’t lost sight of the big picture.
“Really, just like Movember this whole thing is just about doing something good for charity,” Franklin said, in a brief moment of calm. “We really believe that this calendar could help put an end to Malaria . . . I mean, world hunger? What is this for again? Prostate cancer? What the hell is that? And what does it have to do with moustaches?”
