By: C Icart, Co-Editor-in-Chief

I’m just going to cut to the chase: the hate around polyamory is weird. It comes from all sides of the political spectrum and from individuals of all sexual orientations, but today I’m talking to the monogamous queers making “why do poly people look like that?” comments or jokes. While sometimes it can just be throwing shade in good fun, by ostracizing people who are alternative, visibly queer, gender nonconforming, and considered not “conventionally attractive,” you sound exactly like queerphobic bigots. Repeating talking points that misogynists commonly use online normalizes judgment. 

“Polyamory, or consensual nonmonogamy, is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved.” This is slightly different from polygamy, where one person is married to multiple people. According to the Canadian government, polygamy is illegal because “there is a growing consensus that polygyny [a form of polygamy where one man has multiple wives] violates women’s right to be free from all forms of discrimination.” It’s important not to conflate polyamory with hierarchical polygamous marriages where spouses are exploited. 

Polyamory is an umbrella term that encompasses many different types of nonmonogamous relationship styles. This can include throuples or triads where all three people are dating each other. A lesser-known style is solo polyamory, where “​​someone has multiple intimate relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle.” While throuples and triads challenge the norm of being in a committed relationship with only one person, solo polyamory challenges the idea that people must aspire to “​​traditional relationship milestones and goals,” like living with a partner, merging finances, and getting married. Looking into polyamorous relationship styles as a monogamous person has pushed me to think about the norms and expectations I’ve internalized when it comes to romantic relationships.

While not all polyamorous people are queer, there is considerable overlap between both communities and both challenge heteronormative monogamy. Heteronormativity places “heterosexuality as a social norm or as superior to other sexual orientations.” I bring this up because I can’t help but read this impulse from queer people to make fun of polyamorous folks as a form of homonormativity. Homonormativity refers queer people who conform to heteronormative ideals. Embracing homonormativity is a strategy that is often used to gain social acceptance. Tangibly, this can look like upholding institutions like marriage and the military by seeking to be included in them. This assimilationist mentality does not question why state-sanctioned ​marriage should be “​the sole pathway to economic and legal security” and instead accepts it as long as same-sex couples can do it too. Using the strategy of highlighting similarities and saying that “we’re just like you, except gay” has been effective in securing some rights, but it also implies, “if we weren’t just like you, it would be OK to marginalize us.”

So, when a TikTok asking, “why do poly people look like that?” went viral last year, what was implied is that they look different; as in, they don’t fit the imposed norm. Multiple people stitched the video with clips from polyamorous content creators to illustrate what the original poster presumably meant by “that.” The clips predominantly feature people with facial piercings and bright hair. Most of the comments on this type of content are mean, saying things like they look like they smell. While the original video doesn’t say it, it’s clear the comments interpreted “that” as shorthand for “ugly.” Many poly people also decided to stitch the clip embracing their style and looks, challenging the assumption that it’s bad to look like “that,” in this case usually alternative. 

Having conversations about polyamorous people where you judge them based on their looks says a lot about what is actually bothering you. While this may not have been your intention, by making fun of polyamorous people you imply that not being conventionally attractive is bad. It sounds eerily similar to the incel forums writing about Becky, who is described as “a feminist who ‘will likely die [sic] her hair green, pink, or blue after attending college.’” It also sounds like the common homophobic phrase, “I don’t care if you’re gay, just don’t rub it in my face.”

While I understand that you’re mad at your ex for trying to open up your relationship even though you were clearly not OK with that (which is awful), the solution is not to start parroting discourse that is common in incel/queerphobic spaces.

People like the person who made the viral TikTok I’ve been referencing will use your comments and jokes to prove that, even within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, there are “regular” people who are also judging people who “look like that.” At the end of the day, you’re punching down and revealing to everyone around you that you’re not as progressive as you want to appear. In an effort to distance yourself from stereotypes of degeneracy and hypersexuality, you want to let everyone know that you’re one of the “normal ones.” The problem is they’re not going to pick you, and when queer rights are under attack, this affects all of us, no matter how we look.