By: The Humour Investigator
As I sat at my cubicle in The Peak office, all I could think about was what I used to be. When I was a News Writer, I investigated crime on campus . . . and now I sit in the dark, writing subpar humour that no one actually reads.
What gives me hope is finding my arch nemesis — the SFU Pisser. I was once a real investigator, not a phony-ass detective wannabe who set up a sketchy Instagram page. If I were to return to my former days of glory, then perhaps it was crucial — no, super-duper crucial — to find out the identity of the pisser. We must stop them before copycats pop up. There are already fan accounts . . .
Fellow students, I present to you 75 hours’ worth of investigative work. I present to you my shortlist for the identity of the SFU Pisser.
POSSIBILITY ONE: The Port Moody Pisser
My doomscrolling tendencies have led me to who I believe is the OG pisser in the Tri-Cities-Plus-Burnaby region. I present to you suspect #1: The Port Moody Pisser, located at Port Moody Secondary School.
What is interesting about the Port Moody Pisser is that, what I believe to be their most recent pissing post, a video of their yellow urine painting the walls and toilet seat of a high school bathroom, was taken on March 10. The account recently posted another video from the same toilet . . . looks like someone pre-recorded videos and is now releasing them.
The Port Moody Pisser is a very viable option to be the SFU Pisser. Perhaps the Port Moody Pisser graduated and is now maintaining both accounts? But what would explain the pisser’s shift in pee colour from dark yellow in Port Moody to clear white at SFU? Perhaps they did some TLC and stayed hydrated over the summer. In a statement to The Peak, the Port Moody RCMP also thought that the Port Moody Pisser had crossed the city line, and asked all SFU students who spot yellow pee on a toilet seat to call Crime Stoppers immediately.
POSSIBILITY TWO: The SFU Investigator
This would also make sense. Imagine this — you’re an evil comp sci student with nothing better to do than to make up fake characters in an SFU multiverse. The SFU Investigator seriously can’t be this bad at investigating crime on campus. Where are the stakeouts? Where’s the attempt to get CCTV footage?
It is clear that the SFU Investigator, a no-good Instagram wannabe investigative journalist, is the equivalent of putting a child in Inspector Gadget’s robe. If he is this bad at investigating, then there’s a real possibility that he’s making all this shit up.
POSSIBILITY THREE: Ex-UBC president Santa Ono wants attention
Santa Ono, the former president of UBC, was once loved by all students. After a tumultuous job search in the States that ended in him rejecting the diversity, equity, and inclusion policies that he once embraced (to kiss the ass of Republicans), he became unemployed.
Think about it. Santa’s the perfect man for the job: he wants to see higher education suffer for kicking him out of the club, he’s got a desperate need for clout, and had years’ worth of access to campus bathrooms. It is also scientifically proven that after eating like a lavish university executive for two years, your piss will turn clear. Ah-HA Santa Ono! We’ve got you good.
His motive? Relevance. Maybe we should remove him from our list —
POSSIBILITY FOUR: The Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS)
The SFSS is officially irrelevant. According to a survey by The Peak, when asked who the SFSS president was, 99% of students answered Joy Johnson. Perhaps the SFSS decided that it was time to become relevant again. Instead of politely taking SFU’s shitty (no pun intended) treatment of students, maybe the group decided to stage a public demonstration.
Want to raise tuition? Want to ban paper towels? Fine. The SFSS will just piss on the floor. After posting the piss on Instagram, we suspect that he cleans it up. They don’t want to be too disruptive — they’re the SFSS after all. Except, they forgot to attach their name to the piss . . . looks like they need to hire a better PR firm.
POSSIBILITY FIVE: No one
Perhaps the pisser is just a figment of our imaginations. Perhaps there are better things to worry about in life than their identity. Nonetheless, I will continue to obsess over this.
If the SFU Pisser wants a prime-time interview with The Peak — I’m here. I’m waiting.