By: Sheela McGummery, Peak Columnist
Hello, world! My name is Sheela McGummery
and I blog about my life as a mommy of five kiddos!
I am a proud conservative woman of the suburbs and I
bake to fill my life with the sort of sweetness
I used to find in my marriage. LOL.
For any serious baking inquiries, please email
sheelathemommabaker@zohomail.com
MY YUMMY CANCEL CULTURE COOKIE RECIPE
Hey momacitas! Today, we are making some delish cancel culture cookies! My favourite recipe! Let’s get on with our ingredients. :))
But first, way back in 2019, I was invited to write a guest column for The Peark about my fabulous lemon bars. Since then, I have been behind CANCELLED BARS. I was (what the communist millennials call) #Cancelled over me admitting to “accidentally” (wink wink, girlfriends) putting an insurance salesperson into a coma!!!!!!!
I used to be very polite, timid, and respectful in my blog. After spending years being CENSORED by editors, I am back, more passionate and god-fearing than ever. This is my evolution. This is the new Sheela.
The Peark ruined my life. All of a sudden Sheela was the bad gal.
My CHURCH reassigned me to napkin duty,
My frosted bars were BANNED from PAC meetings,
The AI robot bot self-checkout machine at Thrifty’s started beeping at me more than normal.
The Peark and WorldWideWeb.THE-PEAKPeriodCA didn’t want good old Sheela writing for them. They say Sheela is an aggressive person and is “funky.” Well guess what? NOPE. Not true.
So now they gave me back my blog!!!!!
Otherwise I threatened to enroll in SFU courses and make their lives a living heck. To my haters I say: put down your oat milk and live a little. To my wonderfully loyal fan base of two readers, four of which are named Doreen, thanks for reading an empty blog for six years.
This blog is officially once again open for business, so long as I have WiFi in my prayer pantry — where the router shares a shelf with my holy water and pic of Andrew Scheer’s abs. So tell a friend to tell a friend that (she)EEELA’s BAAAAAACK!
Now, let’s get on to the recipe.
Cancel culture cookies hold a very close and dear place next to my heart. I guess you can say they are heart healthy! Bahahahahhahahaha!
But speaking of cancel culture cookies reminds me of the time I got BANNED from Facenovel Marketplace for trying to trade a batch of my cancel culture cookies for a second-hand and ethically-sourced quinoa-filled boxing bag with that crook David Eby’s face on it, hand-made by that snake in the grass Rebecca (a Libertarian pagan). I said EXCUSE YOU? Who do you think you are to BAN me from Facenovel Marketplace? And for what?? I only had like 300 warnings from previous incidents. That’s like nothing!! Remember what I did to the insurance salesperson? DO YOU REMEMBER? Do you want to mess with Sheela?
SO I got my little Johnathonoah (who just turned 10) to hack into Rebecca’s mother board and find where her router was. We had to attack her router. She probably doesn’t have her router in a prayer closet — it’s probably inside of some woke smoothie bar (omg, eyeroll).
Johnathonoah turned to me and he said, “Mother, this lady has messed with the WRONG baked-goods religious matriarch.” Don’t mess with momma bear. Raaaawwwr.
So I found her router, found her address in my personal yellow pages, walked up to her, and punched her with another yellow pages book (old habits don’t die), and dragged her into her backyard where I hoped she and the router would be mauled by a passing bear. But no bears were in sight. The router and Rebecca lived (ugh). One restraining order later and another night in jail, all in the name of promoting good faith-based habits and to make our country cancel free.
So, who’s ready to make some cancel culture cookies?
RECIPE ON PAGE 2 >
