By: Mason Mattu, Minister of Sarcastic Affairs
Dear Justin,
It’s the end of an era, buddy old pal. In your nine years in office, you put the “Justin” in every viral social media post shared by boomers who had major crushes on you. #Justinflation, #JustinPoverty, #JustinBuildingPipelinesThatWillDestroyOurPlanet. Some say you weren’t progressive enough. Others said you weren’t conservative enough . . . I say you were JustinOugh, but not good enough. You were just simply mid. I know. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But let’s focus on the positives!
Let’s recap some of your most significant achievements in office:
- You legalized weed (in order to make people feel baked enough to vote for you two more times)
- You encouraged Canadians to “drink box water bottles” instead of using a plastic straw (that advice has really saved me some time; thanks, Justin!)
- You spent $230,000 on a vacation to Jamaica (that’s OK — we all need a little $230,000 TLC sometimes)
- You gave us free insulin. (As a type I diabetic, I thank you, but what about guaranteed free unicorns? Or what about a promise of a lifetime’s worth of bottomless fries at WhiteSpot? We need those things before anything else, jeez.)
- Note to editor: insert more here. I couldn’t think of anything more to say to this guy. I hope you delete this message, by the way. I wouldn’t want Trudeau to see this.
Now, Justin, or as they say on Radio Canada: Joostchen. I know you’re probably confused with your life, lost, not knowing what to do. It’s OK to take a few weeks to recover from the realization that you have given away your power (we know you love power). You take as long as you need. Wallow in self pity, like Lorelai Gilmore after she’s broken up with her 10,000th boyfriend, go ahead. Let it all out.
OK, so what can you do now that you’re just a regular guy? I saw that you recently went on a completely normal shopping trip to Canadian Tire to build your bunker for the American-Canadian War. #DIY goals, but still very elitist. Let’s find something else for ‘ya! What about a music career? Your son literally just became a SoundCloud artist. I’m sure you can make music too. You could form a pop duet with him and be called Trudeau & Trudeau or T&T. Maybe we’ll see you at the Juno Awards next year!! Or become a teacher. That’s enough torture for your lifetime. Maybe a kindergarten teacher. Good luck with that.
You were a very controversial guy, just like your father — Fidel Castro. But unlike him, you won’t be a dictator till your luscious hair turns entirely silver. Sorry, buddy. Although I do find it funny how you and Biden were forced out of office in the exact same way — someone ought to investigate this!!! Maybe you were coerced or scammed into giving your power up. Revenue Canada will not come after you, Justin; it was a Malaysian area code!!! It’s OK, you can come back. Come back for us. We need you.
Sike. You actually thought, LOL.
If you need any advice on adjusting to peasant life, feel free to send a message to our Dear Peakie advice column. I think you’ll find its budget tips soothing.
With best of luck for the future,
M-Dog
