By: Winona Young
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! For any of you unlucky souls still in Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hoes Club Band, have no fear! After an extensive trial period of being single for twenty-one years, I have compiled a list of lines that decidedly WILL NOT land you a potential bae. Through both trial and error (but mostly many, many, MANY errors) be sure to heed my warnings and swipe left on these fools this Valentine’s Day. Enjoy, my single sluts!
- I’m the biblical whore your mother warned you about.
- Officially Chlamydia-free since Feb. 2017!
- Hmu for post-coital McDonald’s.
- I’m either a human or five muppets in a trench coat. Wanna come find out which one I am?
- Eat ass, die fast.
- Call me for some good Caucasian fun.
- O shit whaddup! Only speaks in outdated memes. Can I haz bae? Much cute, quite wow, very gr8 boyfriend material.
- Vegan powerlifter — 6’1”.
- I mean, I’d date me.
- PICKLE RIIIIIIIIIICK!
- I like my men how I like my coffee — tall, dark, and rich 😉
- I like my women how I like my coffee — flat white.
- Do NOT contact me, I am here to find my husband to see if he’s cheating.
- Music is my life (grind never ends!!) I’m a freestyle rapper so check me out on my SoundCloud.
- Fresh from the Christian Mingle scene, trying something new 🙂
- Smol bean looking for my own cinnamon roll with a pupper (hmu for my Tumblr).
- ONLY WANT ONE NIGHT STANDS — note: six months pregnant, no this does not count as a three-way
- Writer. Canadian. Human. My apartment’s in Van, but I live in the moment. Bit of a nihilist. Don’t want anything serious. I’m down for sex or we can have deep conversations about life (i.e., listen to me bullshit about nihilism for 20 minutes, we’ll have sex, and I definitely won’t reciprocate oral)
- ABSTINENT TILL I DIE.
- Live, laugh, love. Also I’ll maybe do anal.
