By Gabrielle McLaren
Well, it’s been raining for the last three years and according to The Weather Network there’s no end to this moist and wet existence in sight. At least we didn’t die in a tsunami. The Internet may seem like a darker and gloomier place than Vancouver, Twitter being the darkest place of all; but here are some pockets of sunshine and easy, cheap laughs for those times when that’s all you need. Just note that this list has tried to stay away from corporate Twitter and big-shot celebrities, since you already know what and who you like.
Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings)
Twitter bio: From the creator of @dog_rates
Listen, this list isn’t going to be all about cute fuzzy things, but this one is worth it. The typography and short, brash, simple, and heartfelt sentences is what really elevates this account. Read these in your dog’s voice and you’ll see. They all apply to my dog and all his friends at the dog park. (Just kidding, my dog’s an asshole with no friends.)
Kids Write Jokes (@KidsWriteJokes)
Twitter bio: I moderate a Kids Jokes website. These are genuine submissions by kids. See my Bad Kids Jokes Tumblr for the full collection
Do you remember how much the word “butt” made you laugh when you were five and it was a bad word? OK, so imagine that sense of humour confronted with the task of having to write a joke. That’s what this account is. And when it’s 5:00 a.m., you just finished your second paper, and you can smell colours, these jokes will speak to you, too.
Gollum J. Trump (@realGollumTrump)
Twitter bio: Bigly Preciousdent of Middle Earth Americas
It takes a very specific kind of humour to enjoy this one, but if you’re a fan of The Lord of the Rings and of political satire, you’re set. The crazy thing is that whoever’s behind this account is so dedicated to their parody that their Tweets usually mirror #45’s actual Tweets in a rather timely matter. If this kind of petty satire is up your alley, Half An Onion (@HalfOnionInABag) is on a mission for half an onion in a Ziploc bag to gain more Twitter followers than POTUS.
Things On A Rabbit (@ThingsOnARabbit)
Twitter bio: WTF RABBIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING? All credit goes to http://stuffonmyrabbit.net (Fan Account)
OK, fine, another animal account — but this one is important. There’s not much more to say about it beyond the title, but I assure you that this Twitter account is more than just rabbits. It’s rabbits with cute, squishy, and confused faces and expressions because no, rabbits don’t usually have staple removers on their heads.
Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin-Manuel)
Twitter bio: making you things https://www.hispanicfederationunidos.org/
You probably know this man as the creative genius behind Hamilton (if not, watch Hamilton. It’s magnificent and will fix all your problems, or give you more things to cry about, or both). Lin keeps you up-to-date on good music, movies, and shows around the world. But the real reason he makes the list is the good morning encouragements and goodnight notes and wishes he sends out into the void.
James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn)
Twitter bio: Comedy writer. Pig owner. Dad of 4 girls ages 7 and under. Internet famous. Real-life nobody. My book saves lives http://explodingunicorn.com/onlydeadontheinside/
This man is the father of four young girls under the age of seven, as advertised, and all four of them are hilarious and know what’s up. If you enjoy kids, the shenanigans of children, or need to explain to your mother why she’ll never have grandchildren, this is for you.
Bigby (@BigbysTeaCorner)
Twitter bio: Hot takes on hot tea ::Rescue dog with a refined palate::
This dog (not the owner, the dog) rates teas for you, so your hot date with a book and a blanket is never ruined by a shitty cup of tea. Bonus: every tea is accompanied by a picture of the dog with their mug. Cheers.
Letters of Note (@LettersofNote)
Twitter bio: Letters! Like tweets but papery. Currently politicised. See also: @speechesofnote, @listsofnote, @letterslive & @letterheady. Edited by @shaunusher.
When the entire world seems pointless and stupid, this account is a good place to turn to for actual, historical proof that cool people have done cool things in the past even if your present isn’t looking so good.
Nat Geo Photography (@NatGeoPhotos)
Twitter bio: All things photography from National Geographic. Like us on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/natgeophotos
Similarly, the National Geographic Photography account is a good place to go to remind yourself that the world is a beautiful and interesting place. If a photo is worth a thousand words, this is the most expensive Twitter account out there.
Emergency Pugs (@EmergencyPugs)
Twitter bio: We didn’t choose the pug life. Email your pictures to EmergencyPugs@yahoo.com! or DM them to us! also follow @TheCutestCorgis
This beautifully self-explanatory account will have you endlessly scrolling through pictures of pugs, not more, not less. Sometimes the pugs have captions. Sometimes the pugs describe your moods. Sometimes the pugs are just there because they need to be there, and you need them, too.
Emo Kylo Ren (@KyloR3n or @EmoKylo, #parodyaccounts)
Twitter bio:
@EmoKylo Only the dark side understands me
@KyloR3n Ren’s rights activist
Do you have unresolved issues with the last Star Wars movie? Are you 110% done with the normalization of emotionally clueless men? Could you have lived your entire life without seeing Kylo Ren shirtless? These parody accounts get you and your pain, and will bring you back to simpler yet cringier times when you were cutting your bangs diagonally and no it wasn’t a phase, Mom.
