1. Anything with “cop” in the title is sheer gold: whether it be Wolf Cop or Samurai Cop, anything directly stating the protagonist is involved in law enforcement is a guaranteed winner. The cop could be a vampire, sorcerer, lizard-man, or an Elvis impersonator; leave it up to your imagination. The fact your main character is fighting crime, quipping one liners, angering the chief, and trying to make it to retirement will assuredly get you the B-movie status you’ve long been awaiting.
2. Busty women who can’t act are best as love interests: nothing says I’m here to make a classless piece of schlock like a big-breasted blonde flubbing her lines on screen. The fact of the matter is “sex sells,” and big boobs are the pinnacle of this motto. Sure, it’s completely sexist, but the moment you set out to make this film, taste was left out of the equation. Fake boobs or natural, it doesn’t matter. As long as they’re big, you’re good.
3. Get a washed-up former star to make a cameo: you need a cult classic and Dolph Lundgren needs work, so why not ask him to sign on? The fact of the matter is these washed-up stars will flock to you so long as they get a cheque and free access to the craft services table. Get yourself the recognition you deserve and get Pauly Shore enough cash so he can stop living out of his Geo.
4. Ethnic stereotypes are a must: casual racism probably won’t win you any favors with the ADL or NAACP, but you’re making a B-movie, so the more the better. Should your police-officer lead have a black partner who is essentially a rip-off of Danny Glover’s character in Lethal Weapon? Absolutely! Should all the Asian characters know martial arts? Of course! Should every Russian be plotting the downfall of America and the restoration of the Soviet Union? It is mandatory, tovarisch!
5. Behind-the-scenes drama creates appeal: do you hate all the people you work with and want to make filming this movie impossible? No? Well, start acting like you do. The fact is every brilliant piece of shit has had some egotistical maniac running the show. Want to know what makes North Korea great? It’s the paranoia that exists every single fucking day. Harness that paranoia by being a completely erratic micro-manager who’ll promise stardom one second and rip up contracts the next.
Looking for more insight on the process of making a B-movie? Check out our interview with Samurai Cop’s Matt Hannon here!
