KIEV — After going missing for several days following his embarrassing and highly publicized removal from office, Viktor Yanukovych has announced that he is hereby “quitting public life.”
The decision, which has been compared to other recent statements from Hollywood celebrities like Shia Labeouf and Alec Baldwin, is apparently a result of Yanukovych’s exhaustion from the pressures of the media, fans, and enraged protesting citizens.
“It’s all too much, the cameras in your face 24/7, the people outside your window every night, the never ending barrage of molotov cocktails,” he explained in his final public address on Ukrainian national television. “I just want to live my life.”
“I’m not going to go on TV anymore or do magazine interviews, and most importantly I’m not going to International Court”
– Viktor Yanukovych
While Yanukovych would later clarify that by “life” he meant “life as the all-powerful dictator of Ukraine,” he confirmed that no matter what happens to his career he will no longer make any public appearances or even talk about his private affairs.
“I’m not going to go on TV anymore or do magazine interviews, and most importantly I’m not going to International Court, that place is sure to be a media-shitstorm,” Yanukovych clarified. “It’s over, I’m done with all of it, I’d just like to get my palace back and then fade back into obscurity like everyone else.”
Although Yanukovych’s has been called out by some as performing a “publicity stunt” and by others as being “a despicable tyrant who I will kill with my bare hands if I ever see him,” from all accounts he seems excited about his new life.
“God, it’s stressful here, I might try to get away from the country completely for a little while,” Yanukovych reportedly told reporters following his final media address. “Maybe I’ll leave and go to the United States to become an actor or something, that’d be a nice change of pace.”
