Tippy Top Ten Reasons You Aren’t Competing in the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics
10. Couldn’t find a fourth for your bobsleigh team
9. No one wants to see you in spandex
8. Missed introductory sexual orientation
7. It didn’t matchup with your week at the Sochi timeshare
6. Have a prior engagement to a member of the same gender
5. They still won’t recognize snacking as an official event
4. You have no athletic abilities and find curling boring
3. Too busy watching the Olympics
2. Apparently, javelins aren’t allowed in the Winter Olympics
1. You were disqualified for being a dope
