By Kyle Leitch
Illustration By Eleanor Qu

REGINA (CUP) — While paying due attention in film class last week, a professor raised an interesting concept that I thought worth sharing. Over the course of the lecture, aforementioned professor suggested that horror films, and, more specifically, the slasher films of the 70s and 80s were representations of conservative political policies, albeit cartoonishly over-exaggerated ones.

“Surely, he jests?” I asked my neighbour.

“Fuck off,” my neighbour responded, going back to the doodles adorning every margin of every page of his notebook.

“It’s okay,” I nodded. “Surely, he jests.” But still, I couldn’t get the nagging idea out of my head. The night after that fateful lecture, I sequestered myself in my living room — beside me, a cornucopia of bloodlust. Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and Tommy “Leatherface” Hewitt would be my only company that cold night in this foul year of the Common Era, 2013.

First on the docket was Jason. Surely Friday the 13th wouldn’t let me down. Okay, things are looking good: teenagers getting high and screwing, Jason putting the machete to them, and — wait. Hold on: teenagers. Drugs. Sex. Oh no. I ejected the DVD getting slightly more panicked now.

Nightmare on Elm Street? Freddy killed without discrimination, right? He got you in your dreams, right?! Teenagers. Drugs. Sex. Abortions. Oh, fuck.

Mike? Leatherface? Teenagers. Drugs. Sex. Oh fuckety fuckety fuck! This is bad. This is really, really bad.

How could I have not noticed the patterns? They had been in place since before the turn of the century! These movie monsters are the metaphorical archangels sent by conservative politicians to punish the things that they hate most.

Think about your favourite slasher movie. Now, think about your favourite kill — you sick bastard. Now, think about the victim. Think about what they were engaged in immediately before their intestinal tracts were used to string up the light fixtures. I guarantee you they were either having intercourse out of wedlock, were abusing a controlled substance, or were discussing something guaranteed to piss off your local Conservative MPs.

And, suddenly, it hit me. This is how the Conservatives have been exerting their power in Canadian politics for so long. They get into power, and then they use their cronies summoned literally from the very depths of hell to murder their competition in cold blood. All I’m saying is, who’s heard from Joe Clark, lately?

Jason, Freddy, Michael, Leatherface — I expected more from you. I honestly thought you killed regardless of political affiliation. I can assure you, gentlemen, that whatever the Conservatives are paying you, we, as a collective body could easily double it to stop your mercenary work for the Conservatives, and make a few more sequels each.