Last week, Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her diamond jubilee, commemorating her 60-year-long rule over England, as well as the 45th anniversary of Prince Charles wondering if “he’ll ever get a crack at that throne, because at this point this is just goddamn ridiculous.” Anyways — in commemoration of the commemoration, The Peak has decided to show our respects to our favourite monarch with a little English history lesson. Queen Elizabeth II, this is your life!
1948 — Prince Charles is born, presumably as a 55-year-old man.
1952 — Coronated as queen, spends the day calling up old duchess friends to flaunt
it in their face.
1953 — Jokingly shouts “OFF WITH HIS HEAD” at servant. Promises never to do
that again.
1961 — Switches places with a commoner who bear striking resemblance to herself.
Learns valuable lesson about stepping into other peoples’ shoes.
1966 — Poses for face on money. Feels awkward paying for things with pictures of
self. Then realizes will never have to pay for anything again.
1969 — Man walks on moon. This doesn’t have anything to do with the Queen of
England, but she’s been there for a while.
1977 — Celebrates Silver Jubilee. Has fun, but not that much fun. For that is the
English way.
1990 — Amasses personal fortune in swimming pool and dives into it a la Scrooge
McDuck from the current and relevant DuckTales cartoon.
1994 — Contemplates war with France for old times sake.
2002 — Celebrates Golden Jubilee, getting kind of sick of jubilees at this point.
2012 — Celebrates Diamond Jubilee, ugh.
2052 — Centennial anniversary of rule. Quiet night in the royal burial plot with the
throne they were unable to remove from her cold dead hands.
