By Gary Lim
Dear Mystic Gary,
I hate myself for this, but over the Christmas break, I might have overindulged just a teensy bit too much. An extra piece of shortbread here, a warm mug of festive spiced rum there. Who really even knows many times I splurged? (My thighs, that’s who!)
But to tell you the truth this happens every year and I spend the rest of January working off my holiday jelly-belly in time for Valentine’s Day. It can’t be good for me. I’ve tried Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, South Beach, heck, even North Beach! Just kidding about that one.
Well Mystic Gary, I was hoping you might now one of those oriental remedies made from rattlesnake skin or any other ooglie-booglie that might give my metabolism a kick in the behind.
—Lady Already Regretting Diet
Dear LARD,
Don’t be ridiculous. Compote of snakeskin for weight loss? You might as well be taking powdered badger thighbone. Hahaha. But the time for laughter has been completed. Now onto serious matters, oh LARD, the weight of your plight flattens my soul like so many crumpled lawn chairs.
Now as for any Chinese remedies, traditionally a paste made from powdered shark fin heated in shell of galapagos turtle is said to be very good for building of strong leg muscles as well as metabolism, though that’s mostly from having to outrun the animal rights activists.
Personally I would recommend acupuncture. Not only because acupuncture is already recommended by many doctors for everything from pain relief to giving metabolism a boost but because the threat of being pierced with hundreds of tiny needles, which are then later set on fire, is a great motivator for losing of weight, as well as silence from any political dissidents. I’m looking at you SFP!RG.
May the Year of the Dragon help burn off those pesky calories,
—Mystic Gary
