By: Gossip Peakie
Hey, Burnaby Mountain dwellers. At this point, you should know who I am (even you first-years). If you don’t, you have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie. Gossip Peakie here — your number one source for all the hot goss on campus.
Welcome back to another year at SFU, or should I say to another category on my blog page. The title? The Fall You Turned Ugly (who did you get fashion advice from? Your girl Noeka? Barf). How was my summer, you ask? Wouldn’t you love to know. I took a little posting break for an August vacation to Turks and Caicos on my sugar daddy’s dime — because mental health matters. After doing the Gwyneth Paltrow “eat nothing but corn starch and get a beach bod” cleanse, I’m starving for some hot gossip. Watch your backs.
Spotted: Little Ms. Aritzia Warehouse Sale walking around campus in an Aritzia Super Puff. Girl . . . be so for real for a second. We’re not even in November, and you’re ready for December? All the while, she was wearing shorts. What an . . . interesting outfit choice.
Trust me, peakies. She was sweating to the max. Earth’s in her global warming era — expect 20-degree weather until November.
Spotted: Lonely Boy takes a day trip to Bellingham just for a Trader Joe’s tote bag. Why? To secure a girlfriend by the end of the calendar year. Apparently, he figured investing $5 was better than spending the same amount every day on matcha to look approachable.
Sorry, Lonely Boy. Looks like you didn’t study the concept of the performative woman. When he settled into his lecture hall seat, he was immediately met by a group of girls who held up hastily-scribed protest signs. “HEY, HEY, HO, HO! IF YOU SHOP AT TRADER JOE’S YOU’RE A CAPITALIST, BRO!” they screamed.
The irony? Half of them had a $15 oat whatchamacallit from Starbucks in their hand. I guess a Starbucks gift card is really a “get out of practicing what you preach” card.
Spotted: An attention-craving couple cosplaying Gilmore Girls in the library.
“Ugh, you’re being such a Dean, Dean! I can’t believe you don’t get me! I am so studious, I go to Yale!” she screamed, flipping her scarf in a scripted manner and looking around the room to see if anyone was recording this for TikTok. This is SFU, not Yale — sorry to burst your bubble. “Oh, right. I totallyyyy forgot about Yale. Are you making fun of me for being a bag boy? Your nose is alwayssss in a fricking book — it’s not like you’ll get a job in this economy anyway!” The only person to notice this little breakdown was a librarian who shushed them with much enthusiasm.
That’s all for now, besties.
You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Peakie.