By: Heidi Kwok, Humour Expert
Did you know that The Peak wasn’t always funny? Gasp, you say. Oh, but it’s true. It wasn’t until the first humour section, “Nifty Pages,” graced us with its presence on January 12, 1998, that we truly became a sophisticated and reputable publication. Ah, those were the days — back when humour writers had to fight over precious real estate on a pitiful single page and humour editors who had actual artistic talent for political cartoons beyond drawing crude stick figures (I’m looking at you, Mason).
So strap on those seatbelts, plop on your hard hats, and tighten those safety goggles. Today, I’m taking you on a treacherous journey through some of The Peak’s most questionable and god-awful humour articles ever to have evaded the grasp of the Editor-in-Chief(s). Happy 60th anniversary to The Peak.
“Infamous peak horoscope is back from vacation in limbo”
By Glen Callender
Published January 12, 1998
We’re starting off strong with the very first article to have been officially published in humour. That’s always a good sign, right? While somewhat amusing, this article reads more like a shameless self-promotional spiel, advertising services for your local friendly SFU fortune teller, and should really have been shelved under the “Classified” section with the rest of the pizza ads. The writer referred to themselves as SFU’s Astrological Laureate, while simultaneously consulting from a dusty Ouija board for each week’s horoscopes.
“Amazing review of food: Irish bread”
By Kellen Powell
Published January 8, 2007
Where do I even begin with a piece that reads more like an obvious cry for help? Here, former humour editor Kellen Powell credits the healing powers of Irish soda bread (of all things) with salvaging his drunken night out after having had “too much beer and all I have eaten all day is popcorn.” Just so he could down even more pints afterwards.
Author unknown
(no relation to “Chemtrails Over the Country Club” by Lana Del Rey)
Published March 12, 2012
Coming in hot with just 43 words, the cheesy pick-up line is basically the punch line of the joke. Sigh. I envy the days when writers got away with doing the bare minimum. And because absolutely nobody asked, this article was followed up just a week later with “What’s your sign? Part 2,” which was longer by about an impressive 10 words and featured an obscure Doctor Who reference that absolutely no one will ever get.
“Ode to a Bennett Library cubicle”
By Denise Wong
Published March 19, 2012
The only way I can describe this article is that its author was trapped at SFU for so long they started serenading the library carrel desks through free-verse love poetry. Read it for yourself and you’ll see what I mean . . .
Published July 31, 2017
This is clearly just an angry rant written at 3:00 a.m. by a disgruntled student. There’s a lot to unwrap here, but just as a sneak peak, this article rages about the inconvenience caused by the “sun’s tits” while studying at a window-side table at the library, advocates for a shea butter mask for the AQ pond koi fish, rallies against the notion of having sex while wearing wet socks, and trauma dumps about the tiny lecture halls where, quote: “If I farted in here, the whole class would experience the burrito I had for lunch today.”
“The best dirty talk to set the mood”
By Hannah Davis
Published September 22, 2018
First of all — who had the bright idea of publishing this in a student newspaper?!?! This article asks readers to drink cranberry juice while rinsing off a potential UTI. Is this REALLY what The Peak is about?????