By: Cam Darting and C Icart, Humour Editor
Dear Peakie,
How do I get Vancouverites to up their fashion game? It is so exhausting to have everyone stare at me when I’m walking down Commercial Drive wearing a basic dress. Have none of them seen a jewel-encrusted bodice with a long silk train before?
Sincerely,
Still Getting Used To The Princess Protection Program
Dear Still Getting Used To The Princess Protection Program,
I completely understand how you feel. Once, I was on the SkyTrain wearing an exact replica of Cardi B’s 2019 Met Gala Gown. Instead of feeling the weight of the fabric, all I felt were the eyes of strangers staring at my bedazzled nipples. Some people really don’t know how to mind their own business. My best advice to you, my fashion-forward feline, is to remember Vancouver is big. If you strategically choose where you go, you’ll blend right in.
Xoxo,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Everyone keeps raving about Renaissance Cafe, and don’t get me wrong, I love their chana masala as much as the next guy. BUT I need advice on how to move forward after the terrible customer service I received the other day. Listen to this: I was in the AQ at 9:00 p.m. craving an Italian soda and veggie panini and THEY WERE NOT OPEN!? How could they do this to me?
Hungrily,
Make Renaissance 24/7
Dear Make Renaissance 24/7,
I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through this. I can’t even imagine the pain you must have gone through. My initial thought was to sue, but let’s face it: you’re a student, so I have you in my thoughts and prayers since you can’t afford a lawyer. Go on strike for the tragedy that Renaissance Cafe caused you. I, as well as other SFU students, will picket with you to make sure Renaissance Cafe stays open 24/7 for your Italian soda and veggie panini needs. #FightForYourRightsQueen
From your fav humanitarian activist,
Peakie
Dear Peakie,
Please tell my girlfriend that spending $140 on the Holo Taco website makes 100% financial sense because then, I get free shipping. There are also extra benefits because I won’t have to pay my therapist to tell me how to connect with my inner child. I’ll simply wear the Cracked Taco Shell and it’ll be like I’m in 2012 all over again!
Sincerely,
Nothing Comes Between Me and My Taco
Dear Nothing Comes Between Me and My Taco,
I’m excited to hear that you’re newly single! Got a type? I might have an aunt that would be perfect for you. If your girlfriend doesn’t understand adulting, and that free shipping is helping your wallet, you need to break up with her. You deserve better. As a gift for being newly single now, buy yourself the Naughty List nail polish shade. That might be the only naughty action you’ll be receiving for a while.
Relationship fixer,
Peakie
