By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor
Aries
You’re known for firin’ things up, my dear Aries. I know, therefore, your adolescent heart could only belong to the equally fiery Koga from InuYasha. You’re loyal, like the Wolf-Demon warrior, and rooted for him to be with Kagome the whole show. Guess you love an underdog? Time to cheer for the Canucks.
Taurus
A stable, grounded heart like you deserves an equally grounded partner. You want someone to solve puzzles with you, and maybe drink some tea doing it! That’s right, the Stars have divined none other than the beady-eyed puzzle solver, Professor Layton. The Stars see many of your future days devoted to poking the screen of a Nintendo DS before giving up and looking for a walkthrough!
Gemini
Gemini, you need someone who can keep up with you. The Stars think it’s not so much that you wanted a person, but you idealized the musical Hamilton. You reblogged several different gifs of Angelica Schuyler’s verse in Hamilton as a wee 13-year-old goblin. In fact, we’ll bet that rap is still stuck in your head. We think you should go to karaoke and cut loose.
Cancer
Cancer, you keep your heart very safe. But you probably opened it up to some Shoujo love interests and their unconditional ventures to love their protagonists. Knowing you, you probably have a taste for comfort . . . so I think your heart belongs to Kyo Sohma. You seek a love you feel safe in! Wrap up in blankets and put that show on, maybe you need a good cry this week.
Leo
The Stars think that you’re the only friend you need. Awwww. And also, suck it, for bullying Sagittarius that one time.*
*The Stars are definitely not Sagittarius this week.
Virgo
Okay, Virgo, we see you. You watched Atlantis: The Lost Empire one time, and fell in love with all the characters. All of them. You can’t decide, and the Stars CAN’T blame you. You love kind intellectuals who respect what they don’t understand. You loved Lieutenant Helga because she exposed you to the fine world of the femme fatale! Consider visiting the aquarium this week! Hook, line, and sink her.
Libra
Again, like our lovely Virgo, you had a hard time deciding whether you liked the incredible spy, Kim Possible, or her stunning archnemesis, Shego more. In fact, you still find yourself contesting the two to this day. And who can blame you? This week, go on your own spy mission by practicing your handstands and flips in a black turtleneck. You’ll feel great, I promise.
Scorpio
Oh, Scorpio. We know you’re embarrassed about your Superwholock phase but you don’t have to be. It’s an integral part of who you are, just like how ANY character Jensen Ackles plays is worthy of your attention. Embrace your inner awkward teen.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius to Sagittarius, you have a penchant for falling in love with the childhood best friend. The love interest you feel the protagonist has more fun with. It’s why you got so excited about Seiya Kou from Sailor Moon, ‘cause at least they weren’t, like, parenting her!
. . . This Sagittarius gets very passionate. The Stars suggest you all take a break from social media for a bit to reduce your hot takes.
Capricorn
The 2000’s and their trend of creating vampire media did not escape you, dear Capricorn. You think that dark academia learned to run off of copious amounts of editing The Vampire Diaries to Paramore, and you’re so valid. What can you say? You learned who you would become at the ripe age of watching Buffy. It’s time to indulge in those Windows Movie Maker AMVs, Capricorn.
Aquarius
The ‘90s and their penchant for creating crushes out of Simba and Kovu made you the proverbial Warrior Cat you are today. Forgive us, we know this all sends you back to the fourth grade. Why don’t you make a scrapbook of that iconic era this weekend? Maybe it’ll be fun!
Pisces
Pisces, let’s be honest. The Hunger Games was never about Gale vs. Peeta for you — there was no contest (and literally those books were not about a love triangle, you were pissed at the movie adaptations.) Your beloved ideal partner bakes bread and plays privileged folks into keeping him and his childhood love interest alive. DREAMY!
