[dropcap]S[/dropcap]pringtime is once again nearly upon us. While some may be excited for the blossoming flowers and warming weather, a great threat lurks among us, overlooked: spring is spider-hatching season, and as we speak, the egg sacs of autumn are beginning to crack open from within, releasing thousands upon thousands of accursed arachnids.
Though it’s a fact that spiders do little physical damage to most humans, and only kill the insignificant sum of six and a half people per year, the true hazard they pose is far more nefarious than a mere loss of life. Their presence on the Earth begets the ultimate peril of all: the Spider Curse.
How do you get Spider Curse?
Spider Curse is transferred through being in any measure of proximity to a spider. The best cure for it is fire. If a situation should occur in which a spider is found on a household object or article of clothing, be sure to incinerate said object immediately. This is an absolute must, lest the object now imbued with Spider Curse corrupt those around it. Should two or more spider webs be found in any given room, it is best to burn the building down completely to safeguard the inhabitants.
Origin of the Spider Curse
Legends of the Spider Curse date back over four million years ago, when spiders were first evolving from their crab-like and equally creepy ancestors, chelicerata. When the first ever spider egg hatched, all sentient beings instantly knew that the world had been tainted by their weird scuttly legs. This gave OG spider a massive power-trip. Wanting to milk its creepiness for all it was worth, the spider naturally approached the king of all things macabre, renowned poet and known time-traveller Edgar Allen Poe. Poe, realizing the cash-in potential the fright spiders could inspire down the line with regards to his future writings, decided to consult the spider on how to leave a lasting impression. As Poe desired more fear in the world, he decided to teach OG spider and all its descendants the black magic he used to build his time machine. Thanks, Edgar.
Symptoms of Spider Curse
Symptoms of Spider Curse include both tactile and visual hallucinations. One common hallucination among those defiled by this affliction occurs when an afflicted individual feels stared at by someone else: the afflicted imagines the starer has spotted a spider on their body, but is unsure of how to break the bad news. The afflicted will then begin to feel the legs of the spider scuttling on their body, always out of reach of the afflicted’s brushing hand.
These paranoia-induced hallucinations do not give way after time passes — no, they accumulate until the person’s entire body is covered with spiders that are always just out of reach, yet inescapable. After many such instances, one’s entire world and self eventually become made of spiders. This level of Spider Curse is known as extreme formication.
Once extreme formication has been reached, there is nothing anyone can do to save the afflicted. They must spend the rest of their lives in a spider-world. And when everything is spiders, nothing is spiders. Nothing except everything.
What do professionals say about it?
Naturally, the stress and terror this malady causes can have dire effects on both one’s body and mind; the psychosensory disorder has driven many to insanity. Such an ominous fate begs an ominous question: is living with Spider Curse really better than not living at all?
Psychologist and group leader for the Spider Curse Support Foundation (SCSF) Arakna Phobique outlines why hallucinating so many spiders is so traumatizing: “The creepiest aspect of spiders is most likely arachnid locomotion,” he says.
“The mechanical movements of their spindly limbs use hydraulic pressure to move forward. Being so very different to how humans move, this incites an inherent fear within all people of the unknown — it’s a defense mechanism of sorts.”
Conclusion
The cross-analysis of this data renders one simple conclusion: it is best to do everything and anything you can to avoid being afflicted with Spider Curse. So if you see a spider scurry under your bed before going to sleep, don’t think, don’t question, just KILL IT WITH FIRE.
