It’s an unfortunate reality that when school picks up and you’re multitasking like never before, the first thing to take a hit is usually your health. Things are only going to get worse from here, but we’ve got you covered with this list of quick, easy-to-do stretches that will have you feeling refreshed and like you’ve had at least four hours of sleep.
1. Anterior java lifts: The perfect way to start any day — or afternoon or night — all you need is a cup of coffee that’s big enough to comfortably seat a cantaloupe. Forming a 70 degree angle with your elbow (so that the cup is front of your lower chest), bring the cup to your mouth and slurp. Remember to let out a satisfying “aaaah” after each slurp, then bring the cup down to chest-level again. Repeat this stretch 20 to 100 times, taking time in between stretches to think about how scary society’s dependency on coffee is.
2. Horizontal body revolutions: You’ll want to lie down for this stretch, preferably on a bed, couch, futon, or some other comfortable surface where you’re planning on catching a few hours of shuteye. Laying horizontally on your back, close your eyes and begin entertaining the idea of sleep, but remember how many readings and assignments you have coming up, as well as how many shifts you’re scheduled for at work. Once the anxiety has settled in nicely, begin rolling arbitrarily from side to side, hoping that some position will offer comfortable relief from the worries of real life. Last, but certainly not least, make sure to fall asleep 15 minutes before your alarm goes off. Repeat daily.
3. The phalange flex: Using both hands, grip your mobile device on either side so that the screen is upwards and facing you. Ensure that your monthly phone bill is too high, but also acknowledge that you’re too addicted to technology to ever consider not owning one. Primarily using your thumbs, begin sending text messages to whoever is mostly likely to have the least going on and thus will text you back almost instantly. For advanced stretchers, try doing the phalange flex while also walking; not only does this give your lower muscles an amazing stretch, but you’re more likely to walk into people when you’re texting, which provides additional endurance training.
4. Public cranial rotations: Most people don’t realize they can get a good stretch in even while they’re on the bus. For this one, all of your movement will come from looking around for an empty seat for you to sit in. The constant head turning and neck craning to find an open seat stretches your sternocleidomastoid, but be careful not to overdo it. Limit your cranial rotations to three minutes and then accept the unfortunate reality that you’re going to have to stand for the entire duration of your ride.
5. The forward-back snap: A great stretch for when you’re in tutorial or lecture, rest the elbow of your non-dominant hand on your desk and clench the same hand tightly into a fist. Rotate your head slightly and bring your body forward until your cheek is resting on the fist (or “rest” position). In your head begin daydreaming about what life would be like if your father had been action star Bruce Willis, then allow your mind to slip into unconsciousness for a brief moment. Allow your body to drift slightly forward as you briefly fall asleep, then awaken with a lurch. Return to proper rest position, then begin Willis-fantasizing again.
6. Intermediate extremity strengthening: The perfect exercise for stretching your deltoids, biceps, and patience. Locate a computer lab in the school, preferably a crowded one, and when you need to print something off in a hurry. After you’ve hit print on the computer and waited for several minutes, use your forearms and biceps to inspect the printer for anything that may be causing the delay. For this next part, remember that gradualness is key: using your flattened palm, smack the printer lightly, hoping that this will somehow resolve the problem. Repeat two more times, then clench the same hand and increase force exerted by 50 per cent for another eight hits. To end this stretch, step back with your left leg and bring your right leg up, ensuring a flat-footed contact against the printer. This will give your lower legs a bit of a stretch, while also delivering a critical blow to the technology that continues to test the patience of its creators.
