Instead of “Baby”
“Congratulations on not using a condom”
“I’m going to miss hanging out with you”
“Is the baby mine?”

Instead of “Condolences”
“Sorry (I’m not sure for what exactly, but I’m sorry)”
“Why bother?”

Instead of “Anniversary”
“Please accept this card as my annual re-application to continue being your significant other”
“Look at me, I remembered something”

Instead of “General”
“I spent more time looking at my nose hairs this morning than I did selecting this card for you”
“Please don’t exclude me from your will”
“Hope this makes its way to you okay. I’m not sure if this is even your address anymore”

Instead of “Congratulations”
“Obligatory praise”
“Good enough”

Instead of “Wedding”
“I didn’t put any money inside this card”
“Words to go with the kitchen appliance I purchased for you and your new spouse”

Instead of “Birthday”
“Congratulations on still being alive”
“I know you well enough to feel obligated to buy you something, but not enough to buy you something of significance. So I got you a card”