Burnaby Campus, 9:03am
SFU students are up in arms after an anonymous whistle-blower leaked a memo sent to professors, definitively proving what was once regarded as a baseless conspiracy theory.
Professors in every SFU faculty deliberately concentrate mid-terms, papers, reports and assignment to be due in the worst possible way over reading break. The heinous collection of professors supposedly includes members of nearly every department, leading some to suspect that the scheme may extend to every professor on campus.
The memo cites one unnamed geography student as the group’s proudest achievement: they were forced to complete two major essays, one on-site midterm, one take-home midterm, three group assignments, and one dream journal over reading break in Spring 2011. Referred to as “Subject – Perfect Storm,” in the group’s internal documents, it appears that observations made about this individual have been critical in the fields of clinical psychology, behavioural economics, and business administration.
At least a dozen professors across every faculty have been identified, but the university is currently blocking the release of their names, contesting the validity of the leaked documents.
The anonymous whistle-blower, apparently expecting that to happen, was quoted saying “If you have a prof that you think is involved, they almost definitely are.”
Jas Sidhu, a former criminology student-turned-investigative reporter, has been mapping out a possible conspiracy for almost a year and a half, and claims that he has narrowed down the identity of the ring-leader to a senior faculty member in the department of English, but admits that it is not yet possible to prove the particular individual involved. Even more ominously, Sidhu claims that an informant he was working with disappeared last summer while the two were discussing some of the details of the case, though he acknowledges that they were both “really, really, really high” at the time.
“They’re all extreme low-level sadists,” a psychology TA explained when The Peak asked what possible motivations might be behind such a conspiracy. “My research has shown that few enter the teaching profession for any other reason. It’s a global conspiracy that all starts right here at SFU.”
The Peak attempted to follow-up with this TA, only to find that he had died under mysterious circumstances while attempting to seek diplomatic immunity at UBC.
The Peak’s offices received a mysterious package during the writing of this story with a note attached that read, “You are getting into something too big to handle, turn back before things get messy.”
Despite expecting the package to contain human remains based on the smell, it turned out to just be the burritos we ordered. Some connection to the conspiracy cannot, however, be ruled out.
